Beware That Fucker!

Because I am not very coherent today and also because that line (from Catman in Lethal Track) cracks my shit up every single time. It’s all in the delivery so if you aren’t chuckling don’t worry. You’ll get a chance to see the clip in all its glory when Catman hits a Smithees near you. It might not be a temporally near you Smithees, since I can’t remember if Catman made it onto this years docket or if we watched it for next year but soon. I hope. Anyway, Beware That Fucker!

Speaking of Smithees…we’ve got a brand new Smithee showing this year. Huzzah! We were invited to present at ConBust out at Smith College in Northampton, MA. Whooo! We’re up to three full shows now (which doesn’t include the mini-Smithees at UCon so…three and a half then?) if they decide to invite us back next year. On the other hand, they very well may lynch us on the spot seeings as the mission of ConBust reads:

“What sets ConBust apart from most other sci-fi, fantasy, animé, and/or gaming conventions is its focus on the female members of the participating community. While the various realms of geekdom remain stereotypically male-dominated, ConBust is held to celebrate the work of women amongst these genres.

and the Smithees…well completely ignore the vast majority of the statement or are borderline antithetical to it. I really have no idea why we were invited other than we know someone who knows someone who is on the ConBust committee. Of course, I have no idea why the Smithees are at the Origins International Gaming Expo either since we’re not a game or international (unless anyone in Windsor wants to host us? Anybody?) We’ve been on the Origins schedule for a bazillion years now though so I guess anything is possible.

Still, I read “held to celebrate the work of women amongst these genres” and the furthest thing from my mind is “Hey! Smithees!” In fact, I’m pretty sure that when I read the mission statement, someone somewhere else actually thinks: “Smithees” because the brain can not possibly hold two dissimilar thoughts in one place at one time. Yeah, I’m pretty sure we’re gonna be lynched.

We had a string of beautiful days this past week and then today it snowed. Plop. It was a fairly significant snow in that it stuck around and piled up to about two+ inches (hey, for the amount of snow that we’ve gotten so far, we can count 2+ inches as notable OK?) but it was also a warm fluffy happy snow so I hold it no ill will. My plants might have a different outlook on the whole snow phenomenon but that’s what catalogs are for!

Seriously, I’ve been jonesing for some garden action for the better part of the week buuuuuuut mid March is right off of winter and even though it’s warm now it will freeze later and blah blah Michigan Spring cakes. Then I discovered that not only had my crazy crocus bulbs sprouted, but my mystery bulbs were coming up too. Hell, if the mystery bulbs feel that it’s a good time to sprout, spring can’t be that far away right? Right! It’s time to get plantin! So I toured my yard and started thinking about what I was going to do this year.

I have a giant eyesore catastrophe which may have at one point in time been a lilac before it mutated. Said monstrosity really needs to be attended to in a drastic chopping back to the ground sort of way. Guess what month is the perfect month to mow that sucker down so that it resprouts all healthy and happy like? I can barely contain my glee for if there is one thing I truly enjoy about plant tending it’s chopping the living beegeebus out of a bush or tree. This is totally why I’m planting bushes and shrubs which require no trimming what-so-ever; once you put a branch lopper in my hands, all beauty and plant symmetry is lost. My definition of ‘thinning a plant’ winds up more like ‘damn, that plan has gone completely bald!’ However, in the particular case of a particular out of control lilac bush this is a coveted skill. They say to chop the branches down to about a foot and a half for the best results. Well OK then, can do!

I’m also toying with making a circular gardeny type thing around the lilac since the grass doesn’t grow there anyway. Maybe I’ll plant some ground cover flowers or a vine something to make the bald space look more attractive.

This summer is also the summer of ripping out the right side house garden. At least we won’t look so lopsided with one nice bed and one wild crazy bed like we have currently. I’m not looking forward to wrestling with the stoopid bushes though and this garden has a pretty entrenched tree growing in it.

My last planned project is to finish off the side garden (I got 3/4 of it done last year) and plant it with flowers and whatnot. It needs a trellis for the climbing roses, assuming they made it through the winter, some ground cover roses and a bunch of sunflowers and wala! Fini. Don’t tell anyone, but I may have already bought the sunflower seeds last weekend. What? They were on sale! I’m thinking I’ll move the stabbity climbing rose in the back yard to the side garden trellis so that we can mow our lawn in piece. Man I hate that rose. I’d rip it out and chuck it if it didn’t have such pretty flowers. I hate it even more for that.

I have a couple back burner projects that I thought I might get a start on until I went around surveying my domain. Everything I put in last year is filled to the brim with winter debris. What’s up with that? I hadn’t planned on having to make nice the stuff I put in last year but when the snow melted they all looked like hobo gardens. I have three neighborhood’s worth of dead leaves and branches cluttering up my planting spaces and those damn moles have made a mockery of my borders. I think they also redesigned my mystery bulb planting because none of them are coming up where I expected them and a lot of them are coming up where I didn’t think I had planted anything. Damn moles. Or squirrels. Or whoever, STOP FUCKING WITH MY PLANT SHIT! Gah!

I’m still going to order my on-line plants this weekend, snow be damned.

Hey, where did the nice weather go?


Last year at the booniverse: If I have to see that commercial One! More! Time! I’m going to stomp right onto the set with both a corner office and a satellite dish and beat everyone senseless.

Last last year at the booniverse: The purpose of a cat bed is for cats to sleep in. Hence the whole name “cat bed”, but try explaining that to the weirdoes.

The year before at the booniverse: My two questions are: How do you NOT hear a 15 foot snail slurp up on you and how can you not outrun a 15 foot snail hauling around an appropriately proportioned shell?

The year before that at the booniverse: The moles must have moved this entry to somewhere else.

3 Responses to “Beware That Fucker!”

  1. Amy Says:

    Hey, for any of your projects, are you thinking a rototiller might be useful? Cause I’m gonna need one, I think, and maybe we could, you know, co-rent one for a weekend, and help each other out in wreaking lawn havoc.

  2. boo Says:

    Sure! But let me check with Mr. Paul first – he might have one we could borrow. It is also entirely possible his rototiller is a man’s man rototiller so co-renting something that isn’t specced to churn up a building might be the way to go.

  3. Sean K. Says:

    If I remember correctly, doesn’t he have a helicopter he built himself? Surely a man who has such will also have a tiller. And if not, maybe the copter could be adapted…

    Regarding ConBust, you actually have nothing to worry about, because after all, the Smithees do show clips for purely educational purposes, to show aspiring filmmakers what _not_ to do. 🙂 So you’re clearly not advocating what’s on screen.

    Seriously, I think the audience (which will not all be women) will laugh their asses (and maybe other body parts) off as they do elsewhere. In many ways, it is a typical geek-type convention.

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