The Thing that Went Bump

..and people wonder why I get freaked when it’s late at night and spoooooky.

Last night’s freaky wet TV girl weirdness was much better than Saturday night’s neurotic-ness, which is pretty typical. I’m usually a one and a half to two night spooked kinda gal which should relieve TheMan to no end. He told me yesterday “If you keep doing that poke-poke-wake-up-nevermind-go-back-to-sleep stuff tonight, we have a new rule: No more spooky movies except on Friday nights.” I know last night I was a much better bed partner and would have been a-number one peachy except for the 3 a.m. wake up when I thought to myself “Hey, I’ve made it through the whole night without thinking about the freaky wet TV girl! Go me! Wait…Oh crap, what was that noise?”

Fortunately I was too tired to get all worked up by imaginary slurpy noises so I told myself I’d give the wet creepy TV girl spooks their due contemplation when I woke up in the morning. Not now, I’m too sleepy. Why I can’t do that the first night after a scary movie I have no idea but last night I just didn’t want to bother with the whole thing. I figured I’d either wake up dead from wet creepy TV girl fear death touch or I’d just wake up the next morning as usual and it seemed like a mighty fine idea to figure everything out later. So I did. Hey, I know there aren’t really such things as creepy wet TV girls waiting around to give me the touch of doom but sometimes my imagination gets to thinking “You know, this is exactly the point in a Stephen King novel when the nether ghoulies start popping out of the woodwork” and that really doesn’t help.

It also doesn’t help when I do wake up and there is something out of the ordinary happening. Many many years ago when I was a wee teen I fell asleep all strange half flat on my back and half all curled up funny so that my arm was snaked up under my pillow until my hand popped out and snuggled nicely against my cheek. Normally I sleep half on my side and half on my stomach with one or two legs curled up and maybe a hand under the pillow or maybe the hand all snugged on my chest but very rarely do I sleep on my back. When I do find I am sleeping on my back, my hands are rarely anywhere near my head. This time one of them got there and over the course of a couple of hours of being there all squished under my head and pillow fell dead asleep. It had gone through that fuzzy buzzy stage, past the nub stage and was happily in the disembodied detached cold clammy can’t-feel-it can’t-lift-it stage.

This is about when I woke up. Since it was not a night of horror reading or watching I woke slowly to a sense that something was not right. I lay puzzled for a bit trying to decipher what my body was telling me so I could figure out the problem, correct it and go back to sleep but I knew I had a few more moments until all the nerve endings reported in. So I waited, slowly waking up and taking stock of my surroundings until I realized, with a jolt, that there was something else in the bed with me. Something cold and clammy was lying against my cheek and since I hadn’t gone to sleep with anything like that it must be something that crawled in and decided to take a small snooze by my head while it waited for me to wake up. It’s every young kids nightmare: I was lying in my bed in the dead of the night with some monster waiting to eat me.

That’s how all monsters act you know. It’s written in their monster contract: They have to wait until the victim wakes up and realizes the danger they are in before the monster can strike. Watch any scary movie, you can see it right there. No monster ever just eats people in their sleep, they sit around and wait for the person to wake up and notice the monster before mowing on them.

After the initial fright, I realized that the monster must have gotten bored and fallen completely asleep because I was very much aware of its presence and it hadn’t eaten me yet. Therefore I had the jump on the thing. I could prevail! I would not be the helpless sleeper reduced to a scream before being munched, or worse yet, unable to utter anything but a squeak of terror before the jaws of death descended. I had an edge! I just needed to remain sleeper-like still for a few more moments while I forged a cunning monster defeating plan.

I sat for a while and concocted the plan of the century, or the best plan I could think of at 3 a.m. with nothing but my own body parts available for monster surprising. I surmised it was a small sort of monster, maybe snake like because it felt sorta small and snake like against my cheek. So then, I had some smallish thin thing sitting there sleeping peacefully unaware of me for the moment that I could, conceivable grab and squish before it knew what hit it. My brilliant plan took form as I carefully thought out the details. I had to be fast enough to grab it before it awoke and reacted and then I had to hold it tightly in case it tried to get away. Since it was on my right side, I envisioned my left hand snaking from up under the covers and BAM grabbing the snake monster before it knew what hit it. I practiced the move in my mind over and over, trying to perfect it mentally before the first and only trial run. There were some formidable obstacles I had to consider, cover entanglement being the number one critical failure point on the list, and I wanted to make sure I had everything set before I had to execute the plan. It would be tricky and the margin for error was pretty high but it was getting on towards D-Day and I had to make my one shot chance at getting the monster before it got me.

I breathed in and out slowly, then SHOOM! I was a ball of action. My left hand shot out from under the covers, clearing the edge with room to spare and latched onto the snake monster. Triumphantly I sat up, viciously shaking the beejeebus out of my captured monster and immensely pleased with myself. I had kept a cool head in a crisis situation and was rewarded with the flawless execution of a very clever and tricky plan. And now I had my quarry locked firmly in my iron clad grip and was further disorienting it with a good solid shaking.

Except the shaking was beginning to feel funny. I took a good look at my “monster” and discovered that I was vigorously shaking the daylights out of my own hand. It was numb and had no feeling whatsoever but it was still my hand and there it was all cold and clammy like and flopping around insanely in the vice grip of my other hand. Sheepishly I let go which caused it to thump deadly onto the bed and just lie there looking at me. I was at that moment ever so glad that I had my own room. Imagine the look on my sis’s face if she had woken up to me maniacally whipping my own hand about in some sort of weird 3 a.m. self wrestling match. I had a pretty good laugh at myself and settled back down to go to sleep. Unfortunately, my hand had other ideas and chose that moment to start waking up. It was one of the worse cases of pins and needles in the history of pins and needles.

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