Evil Karma Kampaign

“Nasty Little men such as yourself always get their come uppance”.

-The Mummy

I’m so mad I could spit. Instead, I’m going to brew a bunch of evil karma thoughts at the ass wipe and his/her bud who mashed into TheMan’s poor bug and then took off like bats out of hell. That would be, yes, a hit and run incident and it totally sucks. We were on our way, early in fact, to meet up with some friends when we got to a yellow light. It was one of those lights where it changes and you can either stop or go through on really really yellow (you know, the ticket kind of yellow if the law happens to be around) and TheMan chose to stop. Unfortunately, I think the douche bag and his/her buddy who were roaring up behind us hadn’t even planned on stopping so they were a bit taken aback when TheMan chose to obey the law.

I really hate the sound of car accidents. There is usually the scree of tires and enough time for you to think (if you aren’t the impactor) “Damn, this is going to get ugly really quick like” and then BAM. For about a quarter second you get that weird sharp high pitched sound of crunching metal and breaking glass and a deep resonant ‘thoonk’ of two heavy masses whacking into each other and then an eerie stillness. I usually use that second or two after the crunch to do a quick check of my body parts and make sure I still have the same number in the same order as I had mere seconds before. Then after the body part check and checking with the passenger(s)/driver to see if they have all their parts in all the right places you have to go assess the damage. I’m always of two minds, the first is thinking “Maybe it’s not as bad as it sounded, you know? It could be that only a few lights are broken or maybe the bumper is twisted a bit.” while the second one is saying “Damn, with a sound like that I bet I’m lucky I’m not in the engine compartment of the fucker who just rear ended the shit out of my car. They so better be insured and sticking around or I’m going to pound their asses into a pulp. I so do not need this right now.”

Yesterday the fuckers hit us so hard the bug was rammed halfway through the intersection. (We are both OK, BTW. Nothing but the usual head meets head rest bapping) TheMan pulled over and both asses took off gunning it as fast as they could. They both had teal sedans and both of them looked like they had just robbed a bank and the fuzz was on their tail they took off so fast. I got one plate but TheMan shouted the other plate at me and I forgot the number I had. Unfortunately, I think I had the plate of the limp-dick who rear ended us while TheMan had the other nut dangle’s plate and in the end we wound up with only the second plate.

Still, we had a plate number! Yeah, well here’s a hint to y’all: The police can’t do jack without a plate number AND a description. It really sucks fetid moose wang but thems the facts. It has to do with the police being able to find the car alright, but maybe the owner is the shit licker who hit and ran and maybe not and anyway, are they really going to fess up to a hit and run if they are? That’s a pretty serious crime and human nature points a pretty firm finger towards NO on that scenario. The puss bucket will most likely not know who was driving the car at that time or whatever. Fah.

The damn car can even have a bug like impression complete with our tag embossed in the grill of their car but unless we can identify who was doing the driving the police can’t prosecute. It’s all fair and whatnot (cuz I’d hate to have lent the truck out to someone who rolled over a little old lady and then roared off. It would totally bite being thrown in jail for squishing someone’s grandma on the fact that I own the truck that did the deed.) but it burns my butt that the fart knockers are costing TheMan about $500 in deductible. Like we said to ourselves that morning “You know, I think we have some money lying around, let’s go get rear ended today! Whooo!” You know what gets me the madder? I bet those limp dicks are high fiving it and all congratulating themselves on getting out of an accident. “Yeah, man, that was close. Did you see the looks on their faces when we roared by? We da shit! Gimme five man! Whooo!”

Fuckers. Fuckity fuck shit assed cunt suckers. Bitches, both of you. May you live a long life with many financial burdens and may you never find an easy way out of anything. I wish upon both their tiny little heads all the misery of someone who is so far into debt that bankruptcy isn’t even an out any more. I want them to be in hock to people who don’t believe in bankruptcy. I want them to have a day of celebration for getting away with their little hit and run and then I want all them to discover that all their cool shit is broken/destroyed/gone when they get home one day. I want everything to just go wrong for them for a very long time.

I am a firm believer that the world works somewhat in that direction anyway. Well, maybe they wont be getting their knee caps whacked by Guido’s collection agency but this little stint has cost them some and hopefully all of their good karma. I can only hope that they are now firmly in the black hole of bad karma. I also think that wishing evil thoughts on people like these two losers can’t hurt either. I’m probably going to be casting dark thoughts their way for a few days yet to come and if you want to cast a bad thought or two their way as well, then the more the merrier.

In fact, I officially declare this week to be the two teal sedan hit and run asses week of scapegoat responsibility. There, now it’s an official bad karma gathering and dispersing event. You are allowed to blame any thing that goes bad for you on them no matter how small or insignificant. It will all add up. Water too hot in the shower suddenly? Send a dark thought their way and hope they get double your misery. Stub your toe in the dark? Totally their fault and give them a curse or two and wish upon them broken feet. Late to work? It’s the hit and run bastard’s fault. Maybe they will be late for their dream job interview and miss the opportunity of a life time. From now until Tuesday morning (cuz I want to give them a Monday. Everything goes wrong on a Monday and that’s a lot of dark karma to carry) they get to shoulder the blame for every little thing that goes wrong. Feel free also to just curse them on account if you wish. I’m in a vindictive mood. Heh.

One Response to “Evil Karma Kampaign”

  1. Quirk Blog Says:


    It’s nice being in a relationship where you know you can count on the other person’s strengths to compensate for some of your weaknesses. Being able to cooperate and delegate helps reduce stress and builds bonds of trust and affection. For example, I…