Fuckin’ Amish

I don’t often like to lead with an explicative but I made that damn Amish Friendship Bread yesterday and I hate the Amish to no end for it.

No metal cooking implements MY ASS! Whoever invented this recipe was a mean little prick and is probably laughing their asses off as us poor sods try to delumpafy the bread glop with wooden spoons. Oh I don’t think so Mister whoever the hell you are because this boo? Don’t play that game no more. Oh yes, I used a metal bowl. They don’t make glass bowls big enough to hold all the starter plus all the ingredients to make said starter into bread and I was not going to buy a large plastic bowl solely for this project. Besides I have three giant metal bowls and I am sick to death of being dictated to by the Amish. Fuck the Amish!

I also used metal beaters and lo! The bread turned out just fine. HA! Take that you Amish.

Anyway, my large metal bowls were almost a shade too small to mix the goop comfortably so I splattered chocolate bread crap all over the place. I totally blame the Amish, although I suppose I wouldn’t have had such a mess if I had stuck to the wooden spoon. I’d also still be mixing and not typing this up so there you have it. Fuck the Amish, I’m using the beaters.

That sort of became the mantra for the night. We had LunarGeography and Badmovie over whilst I was cooking up the 24 muffins and 4 loaves of bread and the going was such that the Amish were being cursed for a great many things. That damn recipe calls for three cups of oil. THREE! I had to substitute a cup of olive oil since I don’t usually buy for fuckin Amish Jell-o bread and its insatiable oil habit. Three! It about left me high and dry for oil, which I use for other things BESIDES Amish Jell-o bread, thankyouverymuch. I only made up one bag (two more lurking in the larder) and I’m about tapped for oil. You know what? I have Crisco awaiting for the other two bags. That’s like oil. Fuck the Amish, I’m using Crisco!

BTW, check out LG’s totally rad pics. I made her a page entitled LunarGeography’s Garden on the right sidebar of the main booniverse page. Go weep for my rudimentary gardening skillz. Fuckin’ Amish. (Yea, I’m blaming them for my pathetic gardening skills too. Because I can.)

After the whole Amish Jell-o bread debacle, we tried the new flavor of Doritos (flavor X-something or other. They are doing a new marketing thing-it and having people name the new flavor) which taste like cheap ass McDonald’s hamburgers. You know the tiny little ones with the glop of ketchup, pickle, pathetic anorexic burger patty and uninspiring bun? Yeah, those. And the chips really do taste disturbingly like a craptastic bitty burgers. I don’t think Doritoes is going to accept our suggestion of “Doritos Burger Ass” flavor or “Skanky Cheap Burger Doritos” for names either. How do they get chips that taste like hamburger narst anyway? Oh. Beef Talo. Niiiiice. Fuckin’ Amish I DON’T EAT BEEF!

Arrgh. I’ve never had a problem with Doritos containing beef but now I have to read the damn ingredients on every variety to see if they contain the cow. It’s an Amish conspiracy I tell you.

The worst part about the whole evening is that my chocolate Jell-o pudding Amish bread experiment, which should have gone so wrong due to the sheer amount of dinking (and not caring) I did with the recipe, turned out decently good. I don’t recommend chocolate pudding unless you are going to add some chocolate chips to the mix (which I didn’t) but it wasn’t half bad either. Hrrmph.

Last year at the booniverse: Fuckin’ Amish stole my entry.

Last last year at the booniverse: And this one too.

The year before at the booniverse: Don’t even get me started about the whole “boxness” of unzipped luggage. It’s like we bought a four piece jungle gym for cats.

The year before that at the booniverse: Damn them Amish!

2 Responses to “Fuckin’ Amish”

  1. Bubbles Says:

    Wow, I don’t think I’ve ever seen the Amish invoke such rage!

  2. Boo Says:

    Ha! Make some Amish Jell-o bread and I’m sure they will invoke quite a similar reaction. The bread is soooo tasty yet such a giant pain in the keester to make.

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