Weird Magnet

My future’s so breit.

No, that’s not a misspelling; breit (sounds the same as bright) is the German word for wide, which brings me to today’s entry. Last year as I was walking home from lunch I passed by this church up the road on one of the streets the Law School is on (the LS is one of these “quad” structures that take up an entire city block so from any one of four different streets you can still be in front of the LS). I can’t remember what denomination the church is and I don’t think it much matters, but the building is this neat stone structure built back in the day with points and other cool architecture doohickeys that make it one of my favorite little buildings around here. It also seems to house the daily gathering of skate board punks or homeless black dudes. At any point in time you can walk by the expanse of steps and be either greeted by young scruffies in tattered black bopping about or elderly bums lingering on the steps. This particular day happened to be homeless black dudes day.

This was also a day I was all dressed up nice like in a skirt and blouse thingie (quite the professional look I must say) and as I was walking by one of the bums hollered out to me,

“Hey Lady! I like your dress!”

Hey, a compliment from a homeless derelict, go me! I thanked him as I passed by (‘cuz I’m polite like that and it wasn’t given in that leering drooling pervert vein anyway) and continued on. His friend, not to be out done, hollered as I was leaving,

“Hey Lady! You got a nice future going on for you back there!”

Awwww! That’s the nicest way anyone has ever told me that my ass was fat. The second dude really meant that too, I could hear the admiration for my ample backside in his voice. I think, though, from the sounds of it that he thought I could work on my posterior a bit more before it was truly fine although he was liking what I was presenting at the moment. Heh! I was actually flattered (as black men tend to gravitate (hee!) towards a fuller butted chicks more so than white guys in general) and it made my day. It also made for a series of running jokes about my “future” (see above tag line) and made Ms. Clio a tad frightening when she offered to “Look into my future.” In those TV ads. Umm, NO!

Least that be a one time incident, a couple weeks ago as I was going to get coffee at the union this elderly black man on a bike said to me, “Hey babygirl, you have a nice day.” I didn’t know him from Adam (errrrmm, the figurative one, not the literal one since I happen to know an Adam and I certainly knew this guy from that guy. I know a Tom, but not a Dick or a Harry so maybe I should go with that expression next time.) yet he seemed very keen on making sure I had a good day. What is it with vagrant black men and me?

Last but not least (and no black men here but still one of those weird things that happen) last night I was tooling about online waiting for TheMan to get done with his showering so I could have my turn at washing the yard work off of me (I did some more edging. BTW, edging totally rocks after a huge rain storm because the blade whatsit goes right in ‘fssst’ with no effort and the whole process goes lickety split faster than having to crunch through dry soil). In the middle of doing nothing really, I heard a car pull up in the drive. “Cool!” I thought, “Company.” I am a social thing and I love me some unexpected drive by hellos occasionally. Except, I didn’t recognize the beat up ratty old Land Yacht that had rattle clanked its way into our driveway. No biggie, TheMan has friends whose cars I have not yet met so I looked out the window with anticipatory curiosity.

Eventually, this snaggly old arm came out of the open window of the car (I think the windshield was funkily tinted so I couldn’t see who was driving) and I thought to myself “Hmmm, I don’t know anyone who has a snaggly old arm like that and I think I have met all of TheMan’s friends in the area (save The Magic That Is, who I don’t think really exists) and THEY don’t have snaggly old arms like that and OH! They are getting out of the car now.” Eventually, out creaks this lady in her late 50s early 60s who has seen many many better days (and this is not one of them) so I wait for her to come to the door. I wait in vain because she heads off to the back of her car where she pops the trunk. Now I am curious so I get off my duff and pop out onto the porch to see what exactly is going on (‘cuz I’m nosy and someone I don’t know has driven into my drive for the purpose of doing something that does not include coming up to the front door. Very strange).

I open the door (all of 5 steps from the couch where I had just been sitting) and get ready to say something to her only to find that she has disappeared. Completely. Like off the face of the earth in the three seconds it took me to get out the door. The car is still there, the trunk is still open but the stooped over balding gram is completely gone. Did she perhaps step into the trunk for a little breather? Or maybe the rabid ferrets she was transporting to our house had gotten loose and had dragged her off before she could finish delivery. Who knows? Fortunately, I only had a couple seconds to contemplate this bizarre Houdini act before she came wandering back from the neighbor’s yard carrying a screen. Huh?

So I greet her with a friendly “Hello, can I help you?” to which I got, “Oh no, I just saw this screen over there in the trash and thought it might fit my window. My old screen got a huge hole in it and I just thought I’d take a chance that this one would fit.” Yeah, OK ummm, great that you found a screen in our neighbor’s trash and all but next time when you kindly go trash picking would you mind not PULLING UP INTO OUR DRIVE while you jolly down a house or two to scavenge? Hmmm? Hows about pulling into the same drive that you intend to go trash rummaging in eh? What? Too embarrassed and don’t want them seeing you go rooting through their cast offs? Well, you know, I hate to be all rude and all…no wait I think I really do want to be all rude and all because my drive is not for your dumpster diving convenience and by the way, that pile of weeds you parked your big ass car on? See, I put them in that corner of the drive expressly so that they might dry out a bit and let go of the metric ton of soil they had all tangled in their roots before I composted them and you have just squished them into the pavement, thanks. No, really, I don’t mind having to scrape the suckers out of the cement now because I like giving myself more work than I need to do. Pffft.

You know, I wouldn’t have cared at all about the whole driveway thing if she had come to the door and asked if she could park for a moment. Heck, we weren’t going anywhere and weren’t expecting anyone so it was no big yesterday but you know, occasionally TheMan and I have people over or go out places and in that case, parking in our drive is not OK. She could have at least extended us the courtesy of asking if she was inconveniencing us and that is what got me all cranked. She figured because she was only going to be a moment or two that we wouldn’t mind her parking us in. After all, her screen finding was much more important than whatever we had going on at that moment and if we had to use our drive? Well she wouldn’t be all that long, we could wait the minute or two it would take for her to finish up and leave. Bah! People who are all presumptuous like that make me grumpy. I hope her screen doesn’t fit! No wait, then she might feel the need to park back in our drive to return the damn thing to the neighbor’s trash.

Heh, and TheMan and I still wont have had anything planned when she does, but that’s NOT THE POINT! And get off my weeds woman!

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