The trouble with a child’s that
Eventually it becomes a cat.

No, wait. That’s not right…

Kids seem to be in the air, well not literally, but I seem to be running into kid discussions quite frequently lately. Dirge keeps looking at me with that “I never noticed this before about you, but you have a second head growing out of your spine!” every time I say something remotely like “Kids would be cool.” Of course, he is the father of the CheeseMistress and her twin, ummmm…I don’t have a good name for her twin OH! I’ll call her GodzillaLegs, so I can see why he thinks anyone who might want a kid is plumb freeking nuts. Heh. I like his kids (and no, Dirge, I’m not going to take the twins off your hands), I like my karate kids and I seem to get along with kids in this weird sort of way that I don’t quite understand so I guess I am good with kids. Maybe. Then again, I don’t have to live with any of the afore mentioned kids so maybe I would like them less being constantly inundated with their kidness.

Eventually, TheMan and I want to start a family after we are married so we thought about things and came up with a PLAN. We though we really ought to be married first for a while before tackling the screaming chillun addition so we figured in ’05 we would start the business of expanding our branch of the Q family. It’s a good compromise between “We need to explore this new husband/wife thing a bit” with “Your wife is HOW OLD now? Oi!” and it gives us some wiggle room incase the “let’s just see what happens” method of family starting isn’t working out as well as we would have hoped and we have to spend some time doing the whole fertility thing or whatnot. Ugh, I so hoping to not have to go down the road of constant vigilance to find the exact 8 minutes a day I am the most fertile. That seems like an awful lot of work and we all know how much I like this thing called work. Then again, the best laid (hee) plans and all… Eh, it’s good to have goals even if they turn out completely different no?

Heh, we even have names and everything picked out for our two (no more, no less…you know, unless the second one is twins or triplets or something. Plans and mice and all) and least you think we are one gooey sappy newly to be wed couple lemmie tell you a story. See, there was this lady I knew and hung with for a while who was pretty cool. Very Martha Stewart and incredibly sheltered and naive but her good qualities overshadowed her bad qualities so I hung with her on occasion. After several years I either realized what a stuck-up opinionated hag she was or she became all mightier than mighty and I stopped hanging with her because damn, who needs THAT sort of crap voluntarily? Sheesh!

We parted on harsh terms and I kept a petty grudge against her (still do, but now it’s fun!) and her “I’m better that most of you in the world” ways so occasionally I’d ask a friend she still talked to what was going on with her. ‘Cuz us grudge carrying biotches need to know who’s on the high side of the wheel of life, y’know? She did nyada. Her fast stepping on the pulse of now life really went nowhere as it turns out (then again, I did as well so…). She was still living at home with her mother, she was still dating her dance instructor (going on 8 years or so. A man who wont make a commitment in 3 or 4 years barring the need to finish education is a man you just might want to take a good look at. I’m just saying) and she still probably did a ton of needle point and crocheting and craftsy crafts stuff. I’m not sayin craftsy crafts are a bad thing because I love me some crocheting and counted cross stitch is fun in a paint by numbers sort of way (but without paint) but she made these things the paragon of hobbies. She’d always have this “Well, I’m *sure* your hobby is nice and all, but it’s no CRAFTSY CRAFT now is it?” thing going in spades.

One day, after TheMan and I had been an ITEM for a month or two, I had chance to be smack dab in the heart of her haunts with the real possibility of running into her. So I devised a mean, devious, nasty plan just in case I did and so I could needle her most cruelly when I did. She had this annoying habit of assuming that your life stops or starts within the boundaries of her existence (True story: She once told me that “When I find that special somebody and have sex for the first time, I will know what she is talking about.” To which I put up a big HELLO! Almost 30 here, been there done that, where did YOU get your info from, chickie? And she had the gall to say “Well, since I’ve known you, you haven’t had a boyfriend so I assumed you were a virgin.” Whooo! I had no idea getting revirginified was that simple.) plus she got catty and uber-competitive with other women around her. Heh, she aint got nothing compared to me. I the alpha bitch, thankyouverymuch, you can just sit yourself down and shut up. Where was I? Oh right.

So, since we had parted a few years back and at that time I had no prospects for boyfriendship (that step which leads to marriage and kids and is the ultimate goal and measure by which all women shall be deemed worthwhile) she would, of course, assume that I was still without male companionship and therefore still a lower status than she was. So I decided that if I ran into her and she started in on that snotty appraisal oh so polite greeting thing she did frequently I’d put on a pleasant and happy face and start gushing about ‘how I couldn’t stay to talk because my husband was home watching the babies and I had to get back soon before the both of them drove him batty. Really, though, you look good, we ought to do lunch sometime when the kids are at my mom’s. Lovely seeing you, bye now.’ Hee! I was laughing at the though of her realizing that, yes Virginia, people have lives outside of yours you know.

Then it occurred to me that I ought to have names for my phantom kids because the cat’s pretty much out of the bag if you start talking about your kid Jo-Christo-Reilly! Yeah my kid Reilly who was born in August this er last year. Ha-ha-ha, of course not this year because I’d still be pregnant then wouldn’t I? My other kid? Uhhhhhh…and since TheMan and I both have occasion to be in her neck of the woods I thought I’d warn him that when she is around, we have a family. So we decided to name the kids because, heck, why not? Hee! So we have names already for our kids to be because I’m a snarky, petty grudge holding meannie. Eh, whatever.

Oh, incase you were wondering: Theodore James for a boy (TJ for short. Theodore after my grandfather, James after TheMan’s dad) and Nioma Pauline for a girl (Nioma is TheMan’s Great g’ma I think, and Pauline after Mr. Paul). Not sure what’s going to happen if we have two of the same sex but the second one will be stuck with either Pauline or Paul.

ANYWAY, I am even finding kids things on the net recently. All my standard blogs aren’t updating (’cause it’s all about me) so I have found a new blog to read and it has archives so I can happily plow through that for quite some time before I run out of material and have to read something else. Don’t know if I’ll keep up with the new blog or not, the writing is good but sometimes the lady and I just don’t agree. Besides, she dissed some of my favorite bloggers and it wasn’t for the best of reasons either.

One blogger (good blogger) wrote an essay about how she doesn’t like kids, doesn’t want kids and how encountering other people’s bratty offspring just reinforces her whole stance. New blogger laughed at that and stated that good blogger shouldn’t spend so much time writing about children if she doesn’t want them because writing her opinion about how she doesn’t want kids really proves that she does. Or something. It seemed to me (since new blogger is very pro kids) that good blogger hit a nerve in new blogger so new blogger decided good blogger shouldn’t discuss her opinion (which happened to be a one eighty stance from new blogger’s beliefs) AND that by doing so it proved that good blogger secretly was in the same camp as new blogger. My head hurts. I found that rather sanctimonious of new blogger. I always like to have a good reason to rip on someone, rather than “You disagree with me, therefore the more you talk, the more you agree with me.”

The second blogger new blogger dissed (who I also enjoy reading) made a comment like “…after these cats, kids will be easy.” and new blogger went through the roof. She is all touchy about people without children comparing their cats to children so of course the humor was lost to her (hee! And of course I did it right in the tag line because I enjoy being snotty! Errmmm…just for my four readers. Who are not her. So, ummm, yeah. Damnit, I am feeling really petty righteous right now and all that…that…truth is going to harsh my snottier than thou buzz I got going. So, I’ll ignore it!). I am quite sure other good blogger didn’t really mean that kids would be a breeze after she dealt with the cats because no one in their right mind would think that. Come on- cats, kids, WORLD OF DIFFERENCE people! See, other good blogger was trying to emphasize how bad her cats were by comparing…oh hell, whatever. Meh on new blogger but then again I get really really bored. Really. B…O…R…E…D!

Ooo, look! It’s time for me to go home! I’ll just have to stop by phantom day care to pick up my phantom kids so we can go compare them to cats or something. Heh!

One Response to “Kids”

  1. dirge Says:

    Are you certain that isn’t a second head sprouting…

    Children are relentless. I only keep going because I have a vested belief I can survive anything. They have tested that sorely, though I believe I am getting the upper hand now… 🙂