I Sing the Body Eclectic

The Illustrious man, Something Ickey this Way Comes and S is for GET YOUR FEET THE HELL OFF OF ME!

I keep asking TheMan to comment on my blog because I like feed back. Even if it is You Suck feed back I’d be happy because that in its negativity at least is helpful to some degree. Heh, The bottom line is that I will either know my writing needs improvement or I have a complete fruit bat of a critic and I can chalk up their advice to LOONEY! I write because I like to tell stories (read: blather on incessantly) and I would like to polish my writing skills and one does that by…writing! And getting useful feedback back from people who have read your stuff. Now if I could only get TheMan to say something other than “I liked it” or “Nice” I’d be happy. Grrrummmph!

He also keeps asking me when I’m going to write about the crazy feets (to which I ought to reply “When you sit down and give me a real thought filled response to at least one of my ‘How was my blog’ questions.” Ha! But I wont because he asked for the story and I love him! Besides, I can lay in a good guilt trip too and that’s worth a lot of gold points right there my friends. I’m the master of dat shit, boyz! Where was I? Tangent! Oh yeah…) so here it is. Feets.

I hate them. You know how everyone has their body part that they check out when looking at other people? Some guys are boob men, some are butt men, some chicks dig a nice muscular chest and others are all about the face. I think that there has to be a corresponding body part that every one doesn’t like on the same universal level. I’m all about the butt (but a decent face is a good asset too. Hee, asset!) which I have gone on about in other entries but man, show me some feet and I get the creepy crawly heebie jeebies. Feet are icky. I don’t even like my own feet and I am heartily glad that the human body is designed the way it is because it places the feet furthest away from any other relevant part of the body. Bleh, feet.

I’m not even going to go into the whole toenail polish thing I got going because I can’t even explain it to myself (other than I don’t have to touch any part of my feet at all during the application process or viewing process) but I’d be much happier if I never had to deal with my or anyone else’s feet ever again. Hmmm, I suppose it would make walking a tad difficult but I’d even get over that issue if feet disappeared off the face of the earth forever.

That said, feet are pretty useful sometimes. I’m even willing to drop the whole creepy feets thing on occasion if it’s easier to grab some small floor object with my toes rather than bending all the way over and getting said object. It’s all about the laziness factor and I am one huge couch Cheeto when it comes to lazy. Of course that depends on how clean my feet are and what the object is and whether I have to touch it with my hands at any time after retrieving it but still, stuff retrieval with toes is a pretty convenient thing. Not that I’m going to take anything that you gave me with your toes because that’s just nasty. NASTY! Get away from me with your stuff grabbing “where exactly have you been walking” nasty assed toes! I have my standards.

Maybe I don’t much like feet because mine are ugly and annoying. I can’t wash between my toes without my foot spazzing all over the tub because it tickles too much, which makes bath time a whole lot of fun. I also have really skinny feet. As a child I had an AAAA sized foot (back when width was measured in As and Bs and such) and had to mail order all my shoes because the stores only went up to size 9 and I wore a 10 and was still growing. That was before mail ordering was so popular too, so it was kind of a bummer but it at least got me shoes that fit and did not look like they belonged on a drag queen. Plus, once I had shoes no one was subject to looking at my prominent skeletal toe ligaments or the freeway sized veins that cruise around my feet. Pleasant no? I haven’t even gotten to the best part: my vestigial pinky toe.

Truly, I have no idea why I even have a pinky toe. The tiniest toe on my foot looks more like a stub of flesh masquerading as a toe and getting it completely wrong. The toe is even tilted all crazy like (no doubt trying to hide under my 4th toe in utter shame) so that if I straighten it out the nail is at this weird 45 degree angle. I tell you I am the next step in the evolution of the four-toed human. I think my body even tried to reject it in my youth because I remember an entire summer where I stubbed my pinky toe, and only my pinky toe, on just about everything. Chair? BAM! (ow ow ow). Door frame? BAM! (ow ow ow). Sister? BAM! And on and on (sister is softer than chair or door frame, not so much the ow).

Heh, foot fetishist I am definitely not, but come summer time I’m all about comfort and sandals and bare feets are the shit for summer time fashion. I like tooling around and gooshing in gardens sans foot apparel so I let the whole creepy feet thing slide a bit during the hot months. Maybe I just don’t like winter feet? Anyway, a lot of other people are of the same opinion about sandal wear so I’m seeing lot’s o’ feet flip-flopping about. Last week, TheMan and I went over to Rob’s place, all shod in our Birk finest and hung with Steve while Rob did whatever Rob was doing. The subject of feet came up (because, no doubt, I am inordinately pleased with the toddler sandal tan I have going and had to show it off. Mid July and finally it no longer looks like my feet are dirty and need of a wash; it’s all tan babE!) and of course everyone has to remark on how weird their own feet are but Steve pretty much took the cake for weird foot thing. Did I just put cake and foot in the same sentence? Bleh, I’m not so hungry any more.

Anyway, Steve spent a lot of time as a professional clown here and there and for whatever reason, which may or may not be related, he can do just utterly bizarre things with his toes that are not right. He can move them here, spread them there, twine them thusly and pick up a single rice grain without leaving foot prints in the paper. Wait, wrong thought. Anyway, he has the most agile toes I have ever seen in a human being (and you know we dubbed him ape boy for the rest of that night. Had to) and he told us that he has actually lost movement in his feet from lack of practice. OK, from yesterday here’s a resounding FREAK for anyone who practices things specifically with their feet, but Steve did to the point of probably being able to sign his name without using either hand. Right, I’m not touching any checks from him unless they are all electronically generated. I’m just sayin.

It was weirdly fascinating though to watch his uber freaky feet do weird freaky things. That boy just aint right. Plus, when I asked him why on earth anyone would go about doing feet exercises he told me that he wanted to be prepared incase he lost his arms. He was working to get a jump on things for the day when he woke up and found both hands gone I guess. Heh. There are some weird people on this Earth.

6 Responses to “I Sing the Body Eclectic”

  1. the Man Says:

    Hey babe! Just a quick footnote (ha!) to let you know that I liked this entry! It was nice.

    Heh. I’m being a butt.

    I know I don’t give good feedback on your writing… I love reading your stuff, and I think it’s neat to see how your telling of a story differs from mine (it’s a whole kinda Rashomon thing I think…), but a lot of the time the things you write about are things that I was there for, or that I’ve talked with you about. I’m just too close to the subject so many times!

    I will try to leave more comments for you though. Too often, I read something that you wrote and think to myself, “Hey, I’ve got to remember to tell her ‘X’ when I see her after work!” But then I get back to work and something shiny bumps ‘X’ out of my memory, and at the end the day I _know_ that I had something to say… But all I can remember was “I liked it.” and not specifically why.

  2. boo Says:

    Hey! Hi! Nah, you don’t have to comment on every third thing I write. I guess I’m looking for a more concrete progress report every now and then.

    So…you had a different feets story?

  3. dirge Says:

    If everyone just had my beautiful size 12 EE feet, the world would be a happier place. Or at least shoes would be available in larger sizes. When I do manage to find shoes that are wide enough, I have to contend with the elephant-ankle openings.

    What is the official word on wearing socks with sandles? I do it all the time, though largely because sandles will bug my feet if I wear them for more than a short walk… I do restrict myself to white, ankle high socks.

    As far as your blog goes, I’ve found it pretty amusing in the cat sort of way 🙂 It is witty and well written, and reminds me suspiciously of Tan sometimes. Posting naked pictures would be an improvement, of course, but that’s just me…

    And no pics of feet. *Shudders*

  4. boo Says:

    Hey, another comment! Whooo! Hey, and another recruit for the anti-foot league!

    Socks and sandals? Dude, I have no problem with that. If the Japanese think it’s OK, who am I to knock a long standing (Hee! I slay me) tradition. The fact that I wore sandals and socks all winter long has nothing to do with my supporting that fashion. Well, OK it really doesn’t I guess, it has more to do with keeping my toes from getting frost bit adn falling off but still!

    If everyone had your size 12 EE feet all the short people would look really funny.

    I’m not sure I have any naked pics, but if I find I do, you will probably be at least the third or fourth to know. Heh! Oh wait, I have a whole raft of naked baby pics of me. My parents were all about the camera when I was a tot.

  5. susan Says:

    I’m a day late so I don’t know if you’ll see this…

    Feet=gross. I think my aversion to feet is partially because they tend to be stinky and yucky, and partially because mine are embarassingly ticklish and cause me to kick people violently in the face. I also got three of my mom’s bendy toes and two of my dad’s straight toes on each foot, so my toes look all weird. My feet are shaped weird too. I have these superhigh arches, which looks nice in socks, but sucks because I can’t wear normal shoes (it’s not that my feet are too wide… they’re too TALL.) Hence, boots are my friends.

    Socks+sandals=fine as long as it isn’t raining. Cos, ya know, sandals are all comfy. Sometimes it is a touch warm to wear boots, but a little too cool to go without socks.

  6. boo Says:

    Hey, Hi! *wave*

    Nothing’s too late…errr…unless it is I guess. For some reason the comments don’t update on here for a good long time (days!), however I’m still in that new obsessive stage so I tend to manually check them here and there (OK every single time. Damn not logging the comments part of MT). However, anything not on the front page probably has gone unnoticed. I really ought to take a look at the management part of this blog thing so I can actually see who has commented when and where but I is lazy.

    Alllright, another person who understands my feets revulsion. Welcome to the club, although I can’t say that I am all about the boots on any level so I will trust you on that one. My feet have some design problems that boots seem to magnify. Maybe it’s their downhill ski look they have going but I could never find a pair of boots that fit, much less drifted into that comfy realm.

    Not for the lack of trying, however. I was in Texas once looking for boots at the big ol’ boot outlet and still no dice. Boots tend to slide about a lot more than shoes for me, which is really quite sad. I have seen a couple of really fine sassy boo looking boots and had to leave them behind because my feets were all cranky about the boot.