20 Pound Boots


And they don’t even have steel toes.

I didn’t go in to work again today because the angry ferret in my ear-ball was even more pissed off this morning. However, I managed to score a doctor’s appointment around midday so I went in and whined to them about the mad rodents in my ear. As it turns out I do not have a case of feral rodent infestation, rather just the 2008 head virus that’s making the rounds. It set up camp in my throat so my immune system came on-line all “I don’t think so mister!” The virus countered with “Oh yeah? You want a piece of me?” which just pissed my lymph nodes off to no end. They got all fired up and “Get em’ boys!” and then proceeded to go all Gallipoli on me.

Granted, they fought the good fight but this virus, she strong. Meanwhile, caught smack dab in the middle of the war zone was my poor eustation tube. On a good day my ears don’t drain well and by Tuesday the poor lymph nodes were swelling to impressive proportions trying to hold the line. This caused a mighty painful squeezing and much crying from my ear-ball.

Sadly, since it’s a virus there isn’t anything to do but wait it out. But! I gots some good drugs to help my poor beleaguered ear tube: A mighty, mighty decongestant of supreme drainage and “Magic mouthwash”. I love me the magic mouthwash. It’s a lidocaine, Maalox, and Benadryl cocktail with instructions to “swish, gargle, swallow or spit”. (hee) The doc recommended swallowing because the irritation was in my throat but for kicks and giggles, I decided to swish a little too. Apparently, lidocaine is pretty indiscriminate about the numbing so while it worked wonders on my poor abused ear tube; it also numbed the beejeebus out of my tongue, gums and lips when I jauntily swished.

My tomgue wath numb for hourth.

I also discovered that taking pills after “swish, gargle, swallow or spit”-ing was not the best of ideas. It’s really hard to tell if the pills have actually gone down when everything from your tongue back ain’t feeling a thing.

However, before all was cleared up and I got my happy drugs, there was the usual pre-seeing the doc measurements that had to be taken. I assume everyone has to suffer through the drill of getting weighed, temped and blood pressured which I hate to no end. OK, the temp and the blood pressure aren’t bad, mostly but I don’t trust that those automatic sphygmomanometer deelies won’t someday go off on a nut and squeeze someone’s arm right off. The weighing I could do without. They always hop you up there fully clad including shoes and the scale is always in some busy traffic zone where everybody and their brother can glance over at your business. Bastards.

So there I was all dressed and hurty standing on their scale when I happened to look down at the numbers. Now I know I don’t have a supermodel physique but when the scale finally settled on a number frighteningly close to 240 I about crapped my pants. 240?? 240??!?? 240 what? Certainly not 240 pounds because I had weighed myself at home in November and although the scale didn’t give me a pleasing number, it was a number under 200 pounds. I think I would have noticed gaining 40ish pounds in one month no? Like “I can’t fit into the bed sheets anymore” kind of notice. It’s true that my pants have gotten a bit snug but 40ish pounds would put me squarely in the realm of “I can’t fit these over my giant ass anymore”. Which hasn’t happened yet.

Still, I was a bit unnerved so I had a little talk with my scale (sans boots and pants of course). At home I weigh a titch less than I did in November which is still under 200 pounds. I can’t figure out if gravity works differently at home than it does at the doc’s office, my scale is a bald faced liar, the doctor’s scale is grossly miscalibrated or if my boots weigh 20 pounds each. None of the options seem quite right but gol-almighty. I’ve got to do something about my booty real estate before the doc’s scale becomes truth.


Last year at the booniverse: Happy Birthday Sis, I did not get you intestinal flu!


Last last year at the booniverse: 240 gerbils maybe?


The year before at the booniverse: 240 paperback books more likely.


The year before that at the booniverse: Possibly even 240 steak knives.


In the past at the booniverse: Melon. It’s a fun word to say. Melon.

One Response to “20 Pound Boots”

  1. Kevin Says:

    …caines are nice. They work *very well indeed*. Benzocaine, lidocaine. Never tried the co- variety, though.

    My doctor/home weight differential when I checked it on Monday was about 9 pounds. But I don’t have steel in my shoes.

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