The Cranky Pants Awards, 2003
I’d like to thank everyone who nominated me for this prestigious award. It is both an honor and a privilege to be considered among the most cranky and even if I do not win, I will know that I walked in the company of greatness simply with my nomination. I did not get here alone, however, and I would like to take this time to acknowledge the people who helped me on my way.
My first thanks go to my mother. Of my parents, it’s pretty easy to see from whom I inherited my stubbornness and strong will. Without both these traits I would have never made it into consideration, much less to the nomination stage. Thanks, mom, for giving me the backbone to keep up a good Crank.
I’d also like to thank my sister for the many years of practice in my youth. To make it to this level, you need to be in top form and practice and surely the years spent arguing and fighting during our late teens helped prepare me for this day. On that note, I apologize to both my parents for what we put them through. Training can take a lot out of a family.
Keeping in Cranky Pants shape takes effort and I want to extend a thank you to all the overlooked people who have helped me along the way, no matter how insignificant their contribution may have seemed. It all adds up and for that, I give you my deepest thanks. To all the people who drive like ass, I thank you. I do not know you individually but your collective and consistent idiocy provide me with a daily training schedule. There is not a morning that goes by where one of you isn’t either cutting over into the right turn lane to get ahead of the long line of cars waiting to go straight through the light at the corner by Saint Joes, or bumping forward on the nether-shoulder to turn right ahead of the people who are properly waiting their turn at Hogback. I also want to extend a special thank you to all the SUV drivers who are under the impression that road rules don’t really apply to them, but are there for the convenience of following. Or not.
The rigors of a Cranky Pants nominee does not end when the car is parked so I would like to take this opportunity to bring some of my fellow coworkers into the light. To the mail sorter, I give you my greatest thanks of all. I have no idea why you continue to put Canada in the general pile and not the Foreign Material pile but it does keep me on my toes. I might have lost my edge several months back were it not for your continual conviction that our northern neighbor is just an extension of the good old U.S.A. Bravo to you! And thank you as well for your continued apathy about addressed mail. Where would my mornings be without having to resort all the mail that does indeed go to the person it is addressed to who does not work in my department. Still. It may seem like a little thing to you but day in and day out and repeated conversations with your supervisor have failed to garner any response in your sorting. I have come to rely on your incompetence as a shining star in my morning of mail sorting. Thank you very much.
I am sure I have forgotten some of the contributors who have helped me be here today accepting this nomination and I am truly sorry. There are lots of you out there and your contribution is no less significant than those I have mentioned. Thank you, you have my gratitude and deepest respect for the things you do for me.
In closing, I would like to thank the city bus driver who obstinately ran right through my path of walking, where I would have been were I not forced to backpedal abruptly and duck a side mirror. I could tell you did this with forethought and purpose because I caught you waving to me as your vehicle quite almost made me the newest grease smear on the cross walk. It’s the first time I have intentionally been nearly run down by a bus while I was in the cross walk and clearly had the right of way. I thank you as a representative to all the people who provide me with a one time Crank incident and keep me in the top of my form. Salute!