The Wide World of boo Sports

We were talking sports over break today-well in truth, we of the three girls and one guy were jabber jabbering about something totally unrelated and then another completely different guy from the table guy came and joined the group. The established table guy turned to the new guy and said “Blah blah sports stuff” and instantly we were all over him for doing that testosterone guy sports bonding thing. Better yet, the new guy told established guy “You know, I really don’t like that sport at all.” Hee.

Really, established table guy is a nice sort and I get along with him pretty well but I have to razz him on a regular basis because the poor sod is a Tigers and a Lions fan. Oh my. The Tigers haven’t had a good team since the 84 world series crew and the Lions? Lets just say that the Lions purpose in life is to let the other teams not come in last and that’s about the only thing they do well. The Lions in a word suck. They suck so badly that they screwed up nabbing the record for all time worst team…twice. They even needed to build a new and bigger stadium for the Lions to play in because fans going to the Silver Dome kept getting yanked out of their seats and thrown onto the field the home team sucked so bad. Even the Vikings have a better record over time than the Lions and that, folks aint pretty.

That said, I will point out that I’m not so much of a sports fan. I just don’t “get” sports on a lot of levels. Oh sure, I understand the concept of quite a lot of them and I can even root for a team without looking like an ass but on the whole, meh (except for hockey. Hockey rules! Small field of play, guys going fast on ice skates carrying sticks and whacking a tiny puck, what’s not to love?). I don’t get the sports fan mentality. I can think of at least one hundred other things I’d rather do than sit down and watch a game on TV, 400 if it’s baseball (because y’all , watching a baseball game on TV is more boring than watching grass grow. I’d rather lounge around with nothing to do than watch a televised baseball game). Even teams I sort of like (Red Wings) I might watch one game a year if I’m motivated. Actually following a team through a season and faithfully catching every game? Just not in me to accomplish.

We also talked about teams and players and how nobody sticks around on a single team for any length of time (I guess the Tigers landed some promising young star player this year while another one of their players moved to a different team. This combination of player shuffleage will most assuredly guarantee them 10th place this year. For the Lions there is still no hope) and I got to thinking of my personal dislike of sports figure prima donnas, which lead to the whole baseball ‘roids scandal problem and all that is dark and evil about sports. So I have decided that the rules of sports have got to be shaken up a bit, things have to change, a new era has to be forged to nip these bad traits in the bud.

First off, I took a look at what I liked about sports (because I am the perfect SAST example of the fair weather sports fan). I like hockey because there is different action going on ALL the time. You get the line up sort of thing with a face off, but there are very few times where people are sitting around prepping to do stuff. In football you have this whole getting lined up pause, then the lining up pause, the waiting for instructions while lined up pause, the sudden flurry of smacking and maybe some running around and then the ball is on the ground and there is the waiting for the ref pause, the determining where the ball ought to go pause, the putting the ball where it needs to go pause and then back to the getting lined up pause. If you could edit football down to the action sequences the game would be a half hour long. In baseball you spend the entire game waiting for something to happen. You can edit baseball down to about 7 minutes of watchable sport.

Entertainment! I actually enjoyed watching the Lakers play a couple years ago in the playoffs because they had some great teamwork and that was just incredibly awesome to see. I appreciate some good showing of sportsmanship, hell I even enjoyed watching a title sumo match once because one of the contenders was this little bitty guy (not quite 300 pounds) and he was holding his own against the massive guys. How? The itty bitty dude had awesome technique. He had to, some of the dudes out massed him by almost double. It was a pleasure to watch the itty bitty dude because he was really, really good. Same with the Lakers, although I don’t much like basketball at all, but that’s because I can’t stand the squeaky squeak noise. The sport itself is pretty cool.

So, we need to foster this sort of top notch playing all the time. I think a lot more sports would be better to watch if the players were playing to win every single game. They might say they do to the public’s face but some days they just don’t seem to be putting forth their best. Some times it seems they aren’t really giving it their all for the entire season. To correct this, I propose ritualistic sacrifice of the Least Valuable Player at the end of every game. I think that ought to spark up the liveliness of a whole lot of team sports if there was a chance of being the game’s LVP if you wanted to slack off that day.

Next, I propose that the half time entertainment be to throw in a huge cranky tiger with the players and have them have a go at it. If a player managed to kill the tiger then that player would have immunity from LVPicide until the next tiger is killed (for that team). If the tiger killed a player, well then the tiger gets…errrmmm, something really cool and tigerish. This might work for baseball too but I think you might have to have a whole pack of tigers out there or something. Hey, what if you had all the baseball teams and all the tigers out there all at once and whoever survived got to go home? THAT would definitely fix the whole baseball problem.

I haven�t quite figured out how to fix individual sports like golf or swimming or marathons (although tigers again might do the trick) but landmines and sharks seem like a good start. I was thinking that maybe if all the golfers started at once (but spread out so one starts at the first hole and plays through to 18 and the next starts at hole 2 and plays through to 1 etc) and the first one to finish got all the prize money while the rest got nada that might spice things up. Oh yeah, and set a time limit too so you aren’t watching the sport for ever. Everyone who finishes later than 40 minutes or whatever has to swim with the sharks or play with the tigers or what have you. I don’t know, but getting them to golf as fast as they can would be very amusing I think.

There are my proposals so far, although my test audience at break today thought I was a tad strange. One commented that I was about a couple centuries out of date (say about 2000 years) for this particular style of games but I say that’s what’s missing in today’s sports! We need to go back to the basics! Players are soft these days, whining about contracts and money and rules and what have you, they need to face a couple of pissed off tiger to get the perspective of things. I tell you, there’s nothing a couple of ornery tigers can’t fix in the miasmaic ennui of today’s sports.

Except for hockey. I think if we just allow the players to fight that might settle any boring lag time the sport may suffer from.

**Editor’s note: No tigers, sharks or sports figures were harmed in the writing of today’s entry. The Lions, however, are solely responsible for any and all harm they inflict upon themselves for being such a suck-ass team.

Last Year at the booniverse: I do like Charlie tho, he was the coolest cockroach I have ever dreamed about.

One Response to “The Wide World of boo Sports”

  1. Matt Says:

    Of course you can’t have tigers in hockey! Tigers can’t skate! They’d slip and fall down, and they could get hurt that way…