Pharmacopia Lass!

I’d hate the person who is responsible for giving me this cold (and giving TheMan the kindergarten half day “maybe I have a sore throat?” version while sticking me with the full blown out doctorial candidate exploding mucus head variety of said cold) but I’m on so many drugs and so little sleep today that even the normal office stupidity rolls off me in my happy semi-snotty haze. TMI? Could be, but that’s what I have for you today. Mmmm!

The whole thing started with a mild sore throat on Sunday, advanced to a raging “I think I’d like ice cream or Jell-o for dinner” sore throat on Monday (BTW: In case you were wondering, the gingery effervescence of Vernors is hell on a raw scratchy throat. OJ is the better choice, believe you me, and OJ can strip the skin off a sore throat faster than you can say “AHHHHHHHH! OW!”) and then yesterday it morphed into the snot factory head cold of doom, complete with cough to boot. Mis-ra-ble! The only plus side to the cold mutation is that I lost the sore throat thing before gearing up to receive the Guiness Book of World Record’s award for most snot produced by one human being in a 24 hour period.

I have no idea how one small head (mine) can produce such a large quantity of goo. I must have sinus cavities the size of Denver (whooo, extra dimensional sinus cavities!) judging by the number of Kleenexes (and toilet paper and napkins and paper towel, no paper product is safe against the onslaught of my nose! Fear the schnoz!) I have gone through. It’s rather truly frightening.

The worst part of the whole ordeal was the “sleep” I got last night. I moved to the couch after a restless two hours in bed and got myself all comfortable like. After settling down, I decided to try coughing out a lung for a bit, which resulted in me having to fetch a Kleenex. This in turn triggered another coughing spasm which resulted in me having to grab a second Kleenex and then it was off to dream land. Of course, just as I was drifting off, my nose would start to run, which resulted in me jerking awake and fumbling for a Kleenex, which caused a coughing spasm, which resulted in my poor nose needing a second Kleenex and then it was off to blissful sleep again…until my nose started to run. Try that for the entire night and by 4am it gets really old. You can imagine that I’m just a tad punchy today.

Or maybe the worst part was the moment when I was reading and my nose did a mucus shift and nasal itch from hell thing and I wound up blowing a little beetle bug OUT OF MY NOSE! ARRRRGH! It could be that the little fella was on the Kleenex before I schnozed it but then why did my nose itch so badly right beforehand? Creepy. Very Rod Serling and I’m really hoping it wasn’t some female African Brain Eating Bug that laid eggs in my sinuses which will incubate 10,000 baby African Brain Eating Bugs that will swarm all over the inside of my head and kill me in my sleep three weeks from now. Glaaaaahhh, now I’m getting all squicked out again.

Maybe I ought to add some sort of nasal pesticide to my swill of meds today, after all I’ve got the Claritin going (antihistamine), the Sudafed going (decongestant), the Robotussin cough formula going (cough suppressant and expectorant) and the good old stand by Advil. Oh! And don’t forget the morning espresso. Wheeeee! What’s a bit of Raid up the snoot after all that eh?

*shudder* Well, if I suddenly start making less sense (than usual) as the days go by I’ll blame the African Brain Eating Beetles. Heh! I’m sorry, I can’t do that for you, I have African Brain Eating Beetles. This could actually work in my favor!


Last Year at the booniverse: ‘Boomp-boomp-boomp. PoTAAAAAto salad. Boomp-boomp-boomp. PoTAAAAAto salad.’ and that is when we lost our shit.

One Response to “Pharmacopia Lass!”

  1. dirge Says:

    Don’t blame me! I have an entirely different plague, though I’m about 90% recovered now. I *think* mine was bronchitis or something of that sort. Not too much “drainage”… just a very bad cough. And no sore throat, either.

    You should not have bugs of any sort in your nose.

    Hope you feel better 🙁