Well, It’s the Friday Something

Oh say, lookie look! Someone started up a Friday Five thing so I no longer have to think of stuff to write on Fridays. YAY! They are calling it The Friday Foofah whatever that is, but it means I get to not think today! Whoot!

1. It’s late at night, you’re alone at the computer and everybody else is fast asleep. Suddenly you hear the unmistakable sound of the front door creaking open. What do you do?

Oooo, I have a SOP for this one! Check it out:

ONE: Look for both cats. Upon seeing either no cat or only one cat, assume the other cat or both are making said noise. Try to figure out what cat toy or object that is being pressed into cat toy service would sound like the front door. Listen for a moment and wonder if the missing cat(s) have suddenly evolved thumbs and have learned to open the door. If no other creepy burglar sounds ensue, ignore.

TWO: If step one yields both cats, then look to see if both cats are looking in the same direction (towards the sound). If not, assume that if it isn’t important enough for both cats to be looking in the noise’s direction (while maintaining the crouch of ready under bed zooming) than it’s not important enough to investigate. Ignore.

THREE: If there are two cats both looking in said noise’s direction, then there are a couple actions I would take. If I’m in the bedroom with the laptop, I’d grab the nearest burglar smacker (the 4 D-cell Maglite under the night stand), wake up TheMan and go check things out. If I’m on my couch, well they would have just come in the front door right beside me so I suppose I’d hear them trying to open it wouldn’t I? In that case, grab the nearest burglar smacker (we keep a variety of weapons in a jumbled display in the living room, mostly martial arts poking sticks that I practice with every now and then) and go wake up TheMan. If I’m upstairs, grab the nearest burglar smacker (I’m not sure we have a good smacker upstairs! Hmmm!), sneak downstairs (on the way to waking up TheMan) and have a look see.

2. You’re sound asleep dreaming of pleasant things when you hear a loud roar “I am Sambooza, and you are…lunch!” What do you do?

Hee! Like I haven�t had this sort of thing happen before. Weirdly, back in my high school days I spent about a year hearing strange voices just as I was coming up out of a deep sleep and at first it was really bizarre. I’d be sleeping and have the normal sleep background audio going and then there would be one sentence that seemed very crisp and clear (as if someone in the room had actually spoken). The next thing I knew, I’d be awake. The first couple of times I thought there really was someone in the room with me but after several looking around all freaked and finding nothing moments I decided it was some sort of transitional dreaming to waking thing-it going on. My hypothesis was that as my mind went from sleeping mind to waking mind, it pulled the last bit of dream with it. Thus, as my mind ramped up the alertness, the last dream bit got ramped up too and it made the dream fragment seem more real than the rest of the dream. After a year it went away.

So now, my first instinct upon waking up to some weird and bizarre thing being said to me is to lie there and see if it is repeated. That and wait for my heart to settle back down into my chest. Nothing gives you an adrenalin boost like waking up to weird ass shit and I like to see if it is indeed real or dredged from dream before taking action. Heh, things dredged from dreams don’t repeat themselves, which means that I don’t have to really wake up all the way and deal with any Samboozas. I’m lazy all over! If Sambooza does happen to repeat…itself, well then I try and figure out what the hell a Sambooza is and see if it needs smacking. (see Burglar Smacking Devices from Question One step Three). Most likely Sambooza’s going to turn out to be TheMan doing some funky snoring.

3. You’re walking to the grocery store on a sunny, cloudless day. You suddenly notice that oddly enough, there’s nobody else on the streets. Just as you’re pondering over that, it gets dark, as if something huge had covered the sun. You look up and see – what?

Errrr…seriously? Do y’all realize that “sunny, cloudless day” and Michigan are not exactly synonymous? We do happen to be the second most clouded over state in the Union you know so the day there are no clouds in the sky is an odd day indeed. Heh, sunny and cloudless would be enough to warrant more unease than there suddenly being no people in the streets. “Mommy, what’s that big bright thing in the sky? It hurts my eyes!”

Unless I happened to have stepped into some Twilight Zone episode (in which case looking up could reveal anything from a giant meteor to a large reptilian critter with a bent towards whole scale city destruction) when I look up I’m going to see a giant black thunder cloud of doom. Probably all the other people in the streets noticed it coming before I did and said “Well, look at that…I guess it really is only 5 minutes” and headed indoors. Why am I always the last person to notice these things??

Last Year at the booniverse: OK, bugs and sliced toast should never occupy the same sentence, that’s just wrong

One Response to “Well, It’s the Friday Something”

  1. theMan Says:

    Upstairs smacking sticks: well… there’s no actual sticks, but there _is_ a sword on the shelf above the drawers on the east wall…