Warrior for my Peeps

Mess with my peeps, mess with me.

I am working on about 2 or 3 hours of sleep here so lets see if this is really as coherent as I think it is now. Remember that scene in Breakfast Club where they are all sitting around and Molly Ringwald’s character says one thing she can do well is put on lipstick without her hands? And then I think Judd Nelson’s character makes fun of her? I hate that scene. I believe everyone can do at least one thing well and if that was her thing, as small and as insignificant as some may think it is then that is her thing. That is what she can do.

Me, I can fight. I’m not talking about fisticuffs nose bleedy pain of having your face scraped off fighting because I don’t like pain. I don’t much like doling it out and I certainly don’t like being on the receiving end of it and I don’t like confrontation much in general so I tend to take the level headed negotiator route in these situations. Sometimes tho no one is listening or no one cares and then things start breaking down. I have a very finite capacity for patience and a nearly endless supply of anger and on those occasions when the situation burns through my calm I respond in raw, emotional from the gut mad. It’s explosive and seemingly out of no where and on more than one occasion I have said or done things that I regretted later on. In short I have a classic flair temper.

It is just something that is me. I am also very strong willed and persistent which are not the best characteristics to go with a flair temper. Lastly, I am also loyal to my peeps. I feel that if I consider you one of my peeps then I am willing to put my talents to use for you to the best of my ability. What you get is a good front line fighter in a battle of wills. That is the type of fighting I do best and I am good at it. There is no taboo area that I will not consider breaching if it gives me an edge and there are lines I will draw and will not step back from. I do this so my peeps, who may not be as good at dealing with this sort of thing, don’t get hurt. I can take it and I will for my peeps.

I guess I consider myself a self appointed warrior for my peeps which may be awfully arrogant of me. I just don’t like seeing those people I care about in any kind of pain so I take it for them. I heal. No biggie. It’s what I am good at. My peeps take care of me too in their own ways so maybe it’s a symbiotic thing. Or maybe I just need a good long nap and aroma therapy.

Lately I have been on low level anger simmer and I think the root causes is one of my peeps who is hurting one of my peeps. It’s the same peep though so I cant really get pissed off at one of them to protect the other one. How do you deal with a situation like that? My peep wont stop hurting herself and there is nothing I can do but sit back and hope my peep comes to her senses before she damages herself beyond repair. I am not good at waiting. I want to slap my peep upside the head and shout at her “What are you doing? Please stop, cant you see that you are hurting yourself?” but in this case my expertise is going to backfire mightily. Yelling at my peep is going to drive her away and deeper into denial about what is happening and I have exhausted all other avenues I can think of to get through to her.

I want badly to help her, I am angry that she refuses to recognize and confront the warning signs that have started to crop up, I am livid that she uses every excuse in the book to continue doing what she is doing, I am sad that my peep’s behavior is killing her but most of all I am tired. I am tired of being angry at my peep because she wont take any action to try and help herself. I am tired of trying to fight a losing battle with no help or support from my peep. Mostly, though I am tired of the pervasive feelings of hopelessness. I can’t fight for my peep when she is fighting with herself, it’s too draining.

I’m sorry peep, I cant continue to spend energy like this. I am here when you decide to start caring and I will do everything I can do to help you then but you have to want to first. That I can’t do for you no matter how hard I have been trying. In the end I think people have got to want to be helped before any good can come of a helping hand.

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