Isaak Sez: A Guest Blog

I was going to write a smart witty little anecdotal cat piece but you can see what I have to put up with. Hello…sleeping here. Go find your own-Hey! Sleep! ing! What-getoffame you….ARRRGH!

These are things I have an opinion on in no particular order (except that I wrote them down as they came up after being SLEPT ON by tubby McShortbrained)

ONE: Can I have at least one nap wherein I don’t have to share my snoozing space with Furry Tubby-butt? All I’m asking is for a little shut eye where I don’t wake up all covered in cat hair, is that too much? (That is covered in cat hair other than my own; I’d be quite distraught if I woke up not covered in any cat hair whatsoever). Of course this clause is not in effect during the winter months because this place is bitch cold. Siamese are tropical cats; we don’t take kindly to stoopid Michigan winters. (Point in Fact: Cheeseburger Kitty is nicely toasty to snuggle up to when the temperatures drop below comfort levels. Tell anyone that though and I’ll cut you.)

TWO: The Food Bowl. Listen up all you pet keepers: The food bowl should not be allowed to go empty for whatever reason. “I just fed you.” is not an adequate excuse and besides, it’s not true anyway. I remember no such act; that food bowl has been empty forever. Since I was a small kitty, that food bowl has had no food and I’m so hungry. FEED ME! FEEEEEEEEEEEED MEEEEEEEEE!

THREE: Belly rubs are forboten. You can pet the top of my head if you like, especially behind the ears where I can’t reach. If you are particularly adept at the ear scritchies, you may pat me once or twice down the back. Once or Twice, no more. Also there shall be no touching of my butt and for purposes of this missive; the tail is considered a part of my butt.

FOUR: Catmint. Mmmmmmm.

FIVE: Heeee. Ha. WHEEEE! *giggles*

SIX: …?

SEVEN: I will one day best The Milk Ring, mark my words. At the moment we are at an impasse but I have an astoundingly clever plan waiting in the wings for the next time The Milk Ring surfaces. Can you swim Mr. Ring? I think not!

EIGHT: Let me talk a little about books and laptop computers. Evil incarnates of Satan they are. Both. I’ve been studying them in their natural habitats for quite some time now and I’m mystified as to why you need two hands to operate them. Two perfectly good kitty scratching hands – Not the belly! Remember Number three – doing what? Not scratching a kitty that is me (fuzz-a-lump is going to have to set her own ground rules here). I even spend most of the evening sitting right next to (and sometime on top of) you so that you will notice the redundancy of using two hands where one will do and have you yet realized this? No.

I am lead to believe that “Intelligent Design” might actually have a grain of truth (although ‘Intelligent’ in this case is stretched way beyond its original definition) because you haven’t yet evolved one handed typing or reading. I’ll just be sitting here next to you in case you happen to spontaneously evolve this talent and need a cat to scritch with your suddenly free hand. Don’t be too bothered by my head in your face during my observations; sometime you have to look really closely in order to see if there’s any evolution happening. Reeeeeeally closely.

NINE: You want to know a cat secret? Well I won’t tell you. Lemmie just say that with nine lives sometimes you just gotta bust loose and fly around like a crazy thing no matter the consequences. I like to save these times for the Kitchen.

TEN: Is a useless number unless it’s the number of kibbles left in the bottom of the bowl. In which case, you need to stop reading and feed me (pssst: I like turkey and gravy with a side of buttered corn and a biscuit. Mmmmm biscuit)

2008: It’s a hate of a thousand angry foot parts that have been living in open sandals or without shoes at all for the past couple of years.

2007: Buuuuut some people are of the opinion that anyone who’s slept in until noon has wasted the ENTIRE day away so I usually try to get up at the crack of 10am.

2006: JSFR: Strawberry Ramune.

2005: JSFR: Mikawaya Mochi (mango)

2004: Hey, the only thing we have to do Saturday is be at DQ’s at 5, so damned if I’m getting up at the crack of anything if I don’t have to.

2003: I mean, who doesn’t want to get something free eh? And a squishy ninja!

3 Responses to “Isaak Sez: A Guest Blog”

  1. Chip Says:

    This is CLASSIC Booniverse. I’m going to send this to my bff who is also a cat owner. Great piece, Boo!! 🙂

  2. Boo Says:

    [Elvis Voice]Thankyou…thankyouverramuch [/Elvis Voice]

  3. Buddy Smith-Bletch Says:

    Ruff. Ruff ruff. I agree, Isaak. I sit near my parents when they are on the LAPTOPS but they are like NO DO NOT WANT to scritch. I don’t understand these people. Therefore, I like to leave little prizes around the house for them. Since Mom started leaving home again, I like to remind her of my displeasure with her decision but leaving pee in surprise places. I left her a nice poop in the laundry room on Sunday, anticipating her return to school.
    I must disagree on belly rubs…mmmmm….belly rubs…..Ruff! Ruff ruff!!!

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