I’m Constructing A New Level In Hell Just For Spammers

I wonder how many posts I write that begin “I’m in a foul-assed cranky mood, damnit!”. Probably quite a lot since I seem to have more than the average human’s capacity to store crank. Maybe it’s more than the average human’s capacity to generate crank. Anyway, today I am the avatar of cranky.

It’s not one particular thing that’s setting me off but I did get the day rolling at midnight this morning when my eyeballs popped open and my brain said “Hey! Get up! I have thinks to think and I can not possibly do my thinking with you asleep. Up! UpUpUp!” I tried to reason with my brain, using such logic as “Dumb-ass, it’s midnight. We have to go to work tomorrow so shut your yammering and simmer down already” but to no avail. I was wide awake and twitchy at midnight so I headed off to do some internet surfing. Sometimes my brain just needs a little walkabout before it realizes that Holy Crap! It is indeed 1am and yes, we should be in bed sleeping.

So I flipped open the laptop only to discover 131 e-mail messages that informed me that such persons as jane_doe@hotmail.com and horvich1338@yahoo.com have posted to my blog! Joy! I’ve always wanted to know where to get my on-line gambling fix because you KNOW I can’t Google “On-line gambling” for the life of me. Or online gambling. Or online-gambling. Or… You get the picture. 131. Spam. ON MY BLOG! Fucking fuck fuckers. If there isn’t a special place reserved in hell for spammers then I think someone needs to hop to and get one going. One with the hottest fires and the pokiest sticks and whippiest whips. If that can’t be accomplished, I’m sure we can arrange to start the eternal damnation and torture a little pre-contract, say today. I’m really good with hot pokers; I melted the one in my mother’s old fire place set.

I spent my hour weeding out spam with MT-Blacklist’s despaminating program which I’m not entirely sure works like I think it should work. My interpretation of the blacklist program is that I tell it to go find some spam, it comes back with the spam, I say “Delete that spam and bar it from ever coming back” and it does so. In theory. The one hole in my theory is that I KEEP GETTING THE DAMNED SPAM! I have been getting on-line-fucking-gambling spam for-fucking-ever. Look, dude. ON-LINE-GAMBLING, get rid of it and make it stay rid. I don’t want to have to come back to this despam page again with anything that has the words on-line gambling in any form on, in or near it. no, No, NO!

Part of the problem is those little spam creating shitballs are bloody clever wankers and are changing their name just a little (I’m looking at YOU horvich1339, 1340 and 1341. Don’t think I don’t know it’s you, you little prick) or their message just a little (on-line, online, 0nline) but supposedly black list is looking for my pal horvich#### and putting the kibosh on his access. Or, at the same time, it’s supposed to be looking for on-line whatever and pulling an access denied. But no. 131 spam, 128 of it all about the gambling (the other three kindly told me how I could enlarge my penis). Why did black list not catch ON-LINE.GAMBLING from the first fifty million spam I got last week? Why?!?? Didn’t I just say NO to the on-line gambling? I thought I did. Apparently, I said “Well, maybe sometimes on-line-gambling, but only late Monday night. Yeah, that’ll work for me.”

OK, really I think the problem is that black list is looking for strings and comes up with “Shall I ban ‘on-line.gambling.uk.WhateverElseFunkyThingIsStuckHere’ for you?”, which it may very well do. However, then horvich the numerable just tweaks the string a little and surprise! How would you like to know about on-line.gambling.uk.DifferentGarbeldyCrap? Bam. More spam. Last night I shortened the strings down to the basic “on-line gambling” in all its permutations in hopes that I will never get any kind of gambling anything posted at the booniverse ever again. I don’t even like gambling.

The penis thing isn’t a problem yet so I just decided to have black list deal with the entire extension.

Heh, how often can you say that in casual conversation and not get weird looks.

Anyway, there are some other changes going on, which you may or may not have noticed. Since the SpamAsses are pissing me off by posting all over the place and it torques my nads (they go with my obviously too small penis) something fierce when I have to go in and remove their crapspew, I’ve decided to close off the posting rights to those entries they spamulate all over. Plus, because I’m a mean vindictive cranky bitch of a person (especially today), I’m beginning to close off the old archives to any further posting. It may come to a point where I’ll have to just axe the commenting all together because damned if I’m going to have to bust ass because some jackfuck has blorted his nonsense on my cyberspace. The Queen of Cheeto does not appreciate being forced to do all the extra work to remove the drivel when MY DESPAM FILTERS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING IT FOR ME! Come on, how can I get someone to feed me Cheetos if I have to be mucking out my comments? That’s just not right.

If you really want to leave me a comment and it has nothing to do with gambling on-line or enlarging my penis or any other spam fave (Don’t even think of it. I will go Rokokyu all up and down your ass if you start with that shit), the booniverse has an e-mail account at dot mac (minus the “the” If you can’t figure it out from that info, then sorry. I’m not going to blithely post the dot mac account in its e-mail address entirety because then I’ll not only get blog spam but e-mail spam as well. Then my head will explode and take out most of lower Michigan with it, destroying the economy forever, yadda yadda Armageddon cakes. Yes, I harbor that much crank. Fear my crank!) . Since *I* still have posting rights (haHA! Take THAT, fucking spamwankers) I’d be glad to post your comment for you. Eventually I’ll have an e-mail link on the main page (you know, after all the other stuff I’ll eventually have up there as well. Working on it, just let me finish this one last Cheeto) but for now, that’s where you can reach me should your particular post be non commental.

OK, I have to go find some chocolate or something. I can feel the waves of crank emanating from my head and that’s never a good sign.

Last year at the booniverse: In honor of the passing of another year, I thought I might post every day until the end but that seemed rather ambitious.

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