Twilight of the Cockroach

The avatar of the cockroach god takes on the work place.

Yesterday, while I was sitting there minding my own business sorting the mail (because if the mail isn’t sorted, the department self destructs), I happened to glance down to see the biggest, blackest beetley bug shoot out from under the table I was working on. He hauled beetley bug ass across the floor and squidged himself under a cabinet before I could get my bug stomping foot in action. Albeit, the bug stomping foot might have had a bit of hesitation because the bug stomping foot was shod only in a Birk and fat sock but to tell it fair, the beetley bug was pretty quickly out of easy stomping space and into the no-man’s land of tight fitting corner space. I find that having to crawl over or under a table to get to where the bug is greatly reduces my desire to stomp said bug. And anyway, he wasn’t sticking around in the difficult to access no-man’s land but continuing on to his safe dark haven netherworld of under cabinet space. Aint no way I was going to follow him there to squishify him, so I let him be.

I did however ask around to see if I needed to report a large black beetley bug sighting just in case anyone need to know that there was a large black beetley bug sighted in the area. I know *I* sure as heck want to know if you found a large black beetely bug in my house (that was currently residing under one of my bookcases or where have you) but here there is a different policy. You have to have bug in hand (preferably good and squished. The admin prefers them that way while they sit in her office waiting to be given the hairy eyeball) to show the extermination peoples. I suppose that’s reasonable as “large black beetely bug” may not be an adequate enough description for them to come up with an elimination plan. I mean, Mssr. Beetely bug could have been a cockroach, although to me he didn’t look exactly roachy as much as he looked more beetley. Then again, I don’t know from roaches or beetles (other than crickets. We get enough of those in our basement that I can ID them in a multi bug line up) so having the flatted body of said bug would eliminate a lot of guesswork.

Still, it gave me the glugs and for the rest of the morning I was ultra paranoid about zippy quick beetely bugs lying around. Itch on my leg…BEETLE?!?? No, just an itch on my leg. What’s that little black spot over there? Ah, just a smudge on the carpet. Did that shadow just move a bit? Hmmmm! I’ve never really noticed how dark and bug friendly under my desk is-wait. What’s that cockroach looking thing?!??? Oh, almond. Almond? They sure don’t clean very often around here, I haven’t had almonds since Christmas. Hold on, I think the almond moved.

So imagine my surprise later on that day when I looked over at the far end of the room to discover three leftover feet nibbits from the fan that had been parked by the door all summer. The fan only ever had two feet nibbits and hey! One of them is actually moving this time! Yes, indeed, Mssr. Beetley bug had made it across the floor to the other side of the room and was attempting to blend in with the abandoned fan feet. He was also in a relatively obstacle free area so I boldly stomped over there in my bug stomping Birks with intent to stomp. And stomp I did. From four feet away, I became black beetley bug death stomp from above and bonsaied him flat. HyaHHHHHHH! BAMN! Right square on top of Mssr. Beetely bug with the force of a thousand flying bug stomping ninjas.

This, of course, just pissed Mssr. black beetely bug off. I retracted my secret ninja foot weapon only to have Mssr. Bug crack hop it to the nearest bug safe spot he could find. He moved fast too, apparently completely uninjured by my flying death bug stomp. Of doom. He was not, however, so fast to avoid my cat like reflexes as I gave him another good stomping. BAMN! My lethal ninja bug stomping foot hit true (a second time), and although I did not have the four foot leap of death from above to drive my bug enemy into the carpet for stomp two, I figured I had enough force to at least give him a good crippling.

Wrong.

My second stomp just sent the bug into a panicked flurry of bug skittering action which only made him double his efforts to find a safe stomp free hidey hole. Unfortunately, Mssr. Bug was in a corner that had nothing but two derelict fan feet and…well…a corner. There was no place for him to go but around and around in the open where I could stomp him again and again until I broke through his superbuglike defenses. It was only a matter of time and I had the upper hand. HyaHHHHHH-

At that point, Mssr. Bug went all Matrix on me and shot up the wall. For the record, up the wall is totally unfair and a complete rewrite of the bug/stomper relationship. I can’t stomp up the wall it’s…up! My bug stompin Birks are not designed for stomping up. You get back down on this floor, Mister where I can stomp you proper!

Mssr. Bug was having nothing doing with my whole floor demands so I had to pause in my epic chase to go find another ninja weapon to handle the whole new ‘up’ aspect of our mortal combat. Up. Pffft. So Mssr. Bug had a breather and regenned some of his hit points while I looked around for an appropriate ninja weapon of up stomping. Eventually I located a box and we were back in business.

HyaHHHHH! This time it was death from dead on center as I rammed the box into the corner of the wall, squishing Mssr. Bug between the box and wall. Phone out of THIS, you wall crawling steel lined bug tank. HA! Sort of. Apparently the weapon rating of a Xerox box is not enough, even when wielded by a bug slaying ninja such as myself, to actually get through the armor rating of a big black beetely bug. It is, however, a large enough weapon to overbear a big black beetely bug so I succeeded in knocking him off the wall. Thus, we were back to the stomping game, which had worked so well up to this point.

But!! But then I got lucky, or maybe the bug had taken enough damage by this point for my lethal ninja foot stomp strike to get through his titanium hide hull. BAMN! And this time, Mssr. Bug wasn’t getting back up. Or at least a good 2/7th of him wasn’t getting back up. The rest of him, though, was bound and determined to skedaddle out of there. So I have him a fourth and final(ish) stomp. At least he stayed put, more or less, and twitched the final agonizing leg twitches of a failing central nervous system. If bugs even have a central nervous system. Do they? I can’t remember my biology that well.

I went and got a piece of paper to carry my mortal enemy, still twitching, to the admin for my bounty. Of course, I had to stop and find a napkin to cover my enemy’s body because he was still twitching and it was sort of creeping me out. Die already! I took the bug solemnly out the door, through the next room, out the main door, down the hall and into the admin’s lair to ask her what to do with my kill. She took one look at my piece of paper with a napkin that still moved here and there, as if the bug beneath had the nervous system of a thousand cockroaches and was only on roach 63’s death throes, and told me to put the bug in an envelope. Out the door I trod in search of a final resting envelope for Mssr. Bug when she called out after me. Apparently, the supply room carries a errr…supply of beetely bug envelope coffins. Who knew? I returned with my kill, who was twitching through roach 77, and proceeded to search the supply room for an envelope.

Somewhere around roach 242 I found the envelopes. I grabbed one, opened it up and propped it against a desk weight so I could slide his (still twitching) bug corpse in and be done with the whole event. Except I botched the delivery and Mssr. I’m Not Dead Yet beetely bug slid out onto the desk and spun around a couple times on his back with his feet madly waving in the air. I scooped him back up onto the paper and slid him into the envelope where in he lay scritching and scratching with his four non dead quasi functional legs. He stayed like that the whole time I carefully folded the envelope (mouth away from me just in case those over active twitchy “supposed to be way dead by now” legs found a purchase and propelled his half crushed body out of the envelope), looked for the tape, found no tape in a tape dispenser anywhere in the supply room, searched the outer room, came back empty handed and decided to just packing tape his ass into the envelope and be done with it. So I did, and he twitched and rustled and made a generally creepy nuisance of his enveloped bug self.

Finally, and because I felt sorry for the admin who would have to spend the rest of the afternoon with this beetle as he slowly died all the deaths of his thousand cockroaches (and because also, the scrabbling and scraping from inside the envelope was really starting to squick me out), I picked up the desk weight and smacked the envelope a good one.

And then there was golden, if a bit gooey, silence.


Last year at the booniverse: Impromptu Haiku for you today. It’s not Issa but it will have to do.

Last last year at the booniverse: Wake up! There is a ghoul in the closet and I cant hold the flash light and whack it upside the head at the same time.

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