Champions of Breakfast

“Choose the method of your destruction.”

“I choose you, Pikachu!”

“He chose poorly”
-Indiana Jones and the The Last Crusade

I got massive points the other day for making one of the gamers snort coke out her nose and it was all because of my uniquename. Score!

A unique…what? OK! See, back in the days of yore we all went to one of the many U computing sites and did our computing thing. I’m not even sure we had log-ons per se, but we must have. Maybe it was our student ID (which was your soc at the time, believe you me I know my soc number backwards and forwards thanks to the U). Whatever, I was out of the computing site scene somewhere in my junior year due to the purchase (or inheritance) of my own computer. Rock on!

Long about my 11th semester (that would be my second and a half senior year for those of you playing at home) the U decided that they needed a more…secure? Unique? Bothersome? way for people to log onto the computer stations so they decided everyone had to have their own individual identifier. Now. Before the end of the semester (in which I would be graduating). Or else. The gig was that you were supposed to think up a seven or more letter/number name and submit it to the computer peoples for processing, which I totally ignored.

What? I was graduating in less than a semester and I never used the sites anymore anyhow. I decided I was exempt and “lost” the handy name sheet form. The U, on the other hand, had different ideas about all that for once the U gets going on a PLAN there aint a whole lot that can stop it. Finally, at the very very end of the whole deal (and quite possibly the last day one could turn in names for station identification), because I wanted to graduate and I do believe they were threatening to hold records or other nasty things if you did not comply, I stomped into a computing site to get a new worksheet. It was a giant pain in my keester, I didn’t want to do it and I was in my young 20s so I did what every put upon 23 year old does: I thought up the silliest, stupidest dumbassery station name I could come up with and turned in my selection. There, happy? I did your stupid name thing, now go away.

Of course I got the name I chose because who in their right mind would go around wanting to sign in as “Wafelhed?” Whatever, I was graduating in about a month so I didn’t really see me actually using the stupid name and I was right. Having your own computer means you never have to type with a bazillion other people during final paper rush. Sahweet. I graduated and forgot all about the nasty computing site ID and had a happy life.

However, someone somewhere in the budding world of technology didn’t forget about these unique identifiers. They thought, “Hey. You know, we could do something with these names. This could be big. No, bigger, this could be huge. This could be…an e-mail address! Why not? They were all unique, let’s just roll them over and make everyone’s computing center pass their official pass to get in to all places computer, including e-mail!” Now, everything was tied to a unique name, it was your gateway to the university. Cue angelic choir.

Six years later in the sweltering heat of a Michigan August, I was hired on by the U and took a full day to get all my tasty U paperwork done, including something called a “unique name”. Excellent! Sign me up! Hit me with an addie, I’m ready to start my new job! OK, true, those 10 unique names probably do exist, so hit me with another one! Hmmm, right. This one then! Not so much? That one? How about you just assign me one that hasn’t been taken. I don’t care, anything will do.

The problem, as it turns out, wasn’t with my choice of unique names but rather the problem was that I already had a unique name. Seems you can’t ever have but one unique name here at the U and somehow I already had one. Odd. When did I get a unique name? Errrr…wait a minute. What was it they called those station ID thingies waaaaay back when. Was it “unique name”? Oh dear. I’m having a bad feeling about this. No wait, lemmie guess this one. My unique name is the ever so professional “Wafelhed” isn’t it? Ahhhh yeah. Right.

So I told this to the gaming crew, who got a good laugh out of it. And then one of them said “Wafelhed? That sounds like a superhero.” After that, there was no stopping us.

Deep in the hot iron Halls of Justice, crime fighting Waffelhed hears the distinct cry of justice being unserved. “To the toaster, butter boy!” he shouts at his loyal side kick and the two of them race to the giant toaster at the top of the building.
CHUNKA! and the pair is hurled skyward, arms outstretched as they arc to the scene of the crime. Who would it be this time? Se�ior Sausage? The Bacon Bandit or the evil runny Egg Twins? Who? Time would only tell.

However, now that I think on it, wouldn’t Se�ior Sausage also be a Champion of Breakfast? Sure, he and Waffelhed would have a standing meat/carbs rivalry about how to go about dishing out justice but when it comes down to it, they are both on the same side. Perhaps the Bacon Bandit is a quasi good vigilante? And the Egg Twins, although probably still runny, would be right along side, hashing it out with the rest of them. Heh, Hash. He’d be there too, but he’s probably known as The Hash or Mister Hash or something. I think the real enemy of the Champions of Breakfast would be perhaps The Cold Pizza Kid or Dr. Diet Coke. Hmmm, I ought to copyright this thought!

Last year at the booniverse: Oh wait…isn’t the Palmer Structure! also closing around that time too? Y’all know the most important thing about comedy don’t you? Timing!

Last last year at the booniverse: Lastly, The Circle Of Death. What kind of kid wouldn’t dig an exercise called The Circle Of Death.

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