No Bones About It

It all started with a plan. OK, no it really all started when I took a flying leap onto the bed and heard a most ominous snapping sound from the under region of the bed assembly. A snap that was most probably something in the box springs protesting my aerial arrival onto the bed. About that very same time, we also began to notice that the mattress was sort of lumpy. Not lumpy like “a bit of down in my pillow clumped together” lumpy, but lumpy like “I think someone snuck in and put a large piece of dowel in the mattress” lumpy. I’m sure the bed has been getting more and more worn over the years (it has been about 13 since I bought it shiny new from the mattress store) and we just got used to it but somehow that snap of box spring grievance made us more aware of the state of our bed.

Yo, our bed has a skeleton. It does! I’m not sure what physically happens when a mattress reaches the end of its life, but after a careful (and somewhat amazed) examination, we discovered an entire rib cage of lumpy both in the center of the bed and down the edges. Frekky. Especially since, as I understand it, the coils are all placed long end perpendicular to the sleeping plane (thereby giving the cush of lovely bedness) so there should be little circular bumps, maybe, when they start to go bad… right? All the commercials they show have dozens and dozens of slinky like springs round side up so where does the long axis lumpy come from? Does this mean the coils have all lost an anchor and have come floating up to the surface? And what’s with the regularity? Every 4 inches or so there is another rib, which makes it an awfully regular mass dying of the coils. If they go belly up that is.

Any why now? What’s not there over the rib cage that was there back in the bed’s day of yore? Did it go on a diet and loose a bunch of bed fat? Is that why we are feeling ribs? Does a mattress just sort of squish down a nice fatty layer over time until the sleepers start getting poked by mattress bones? And why is there one particularly dense rib right where I like to put my knee when I’m sleeping? Ow!

So, on our way home after stopping by the condo, I suggested we stop by the futon and mattress shop to check them out. It’s the same place I bought my futon (which I love to pieces) and TheMan bought his futon (which is a very nice futon indeed, but not my futon. Which I love to pieces) and it not only has futons but it also has mattresses and we weren’t quite sure whether we were going to replace Pirate Jack, the skeleton mattress with another mattress or a futon…errr…cushie thing (are they mattresses or pads or something else? You know, the soft squishy thing you put on a futon frame so you aren’t sitting your bare hinder on a row of slatted wood?). They have both, and were on the way home so we stopped in to do a little testing.

You know when you are in the market for a puppy or a kitty and you go someplace just to “have a look”? The same applies to mattresses, evidentially. Oh and Japanese Snack Food, but I don’t think that’s as common a happening in the world at large. We went in, where there was one extrEEEEmly bored sales dude and made him run for us. Heh. He was actually a loner sales dude, seeings as a mix up in communication left the store without a sales clerk (and consequently closed) for a good part of the day yesterday until the parent company could scramble this guy. Poor fella is in an unfamiliar store when we waltz in and say to him “We are looking to try out some mattresses. Or futons. Or maybe – hey! Can you get a futon squishy thingie without the frame? Oooo! Shiny chair, look at the chair babe. Where are the firm mattresses? Hey! This is the futon you have right babe? Which of these mattresses are memory foam? We should get some of these round pillows for our couches at home. Hmmm, I don’t like this mattress. Too soft.” and so on. OK, actually that was entirely me. TheMan wasn’t so much into the whole thing at first but I think the prospect of sleeping (and actually trying out) beds without bones was making him happier over time. Still, he wasn’t much for the talking while I was all over the place.

Shiny! Fluffy! Comfy! We even found a cool futon set that had flip up arms to put remotes in! It was the same set that has the cute little futon chair I’ve been lusting after since I first saw it four years ago. I’m not sure if I knew the arms had cubbies in them (yes, even the futon chair has remote cubbies. Squeee!) because if I did back then, I would have definitely bought at least the couch futon so I might someday have a matching set (as there was only one style that came in chair). TheMan was also much impressed with the arm cubbies because our remotes are always somewhere and not the somewhere that is convenient when you need to use them. Flip up arms and remote cubbies are wicked. Although if I did have the flip up arm couch then we would already have a place for the remotes and wouldn’t be so enamored of a futon with remote cubbies would we? Did your brain just pop following that stream of conscious? I think mine at least got a sprain somewhere.

The futon chair is still wicked though. It’s cuuuuuute (and comfy too) AND they had it all dressed up in the same cover as my futon at home. Which I love to pieces. The chair is smaller though so I only love it to little pieces. Oooo, and it comes with an ottoman, which is a really fun word to say.

Yes, we did spend quite a bit of time in the store. We were in no hurry and everybody and their brother came in to get their mattresses and whatnot they had on hold so we told the sales dude to go help them since we were still testing and thinking (and discovering the joys of flip up arms as well as mattress coiled futon squishies. Did you know they put coils in futon squishies now? They aren’t as comfy, actually. At least not to my hinder). Finally, after sitting and lying and poking just about everything around, we made a purchase! Huzzah! Actually, we made TWO purchases, yes we did. OK, technically three because we got a boneless mattress and box spring, but we also picked up a futon cover for TheMan’s futon that matches the cover on my futon. YAY nesting!

I don’t know what it is, but the thought of having a matching (for the most part, at least the squishies) futons fills me with unbridled squeee. Plus, I think I might like TheMan’s futon more if it has a softer cover. His current cover is a bit bumpy for my comfort of sitting. Someday I hope to have some matching pillows too and maybe redo the croutons but for now, two couches with the same cover pattern is just more than tres cool. I almost feel like a grown up!

The best part is that things are being shipped tomorrow! Well, not the cover because it’s back ordered so I have to wait 10 business days for maximum squee, but the mattress? Totally in the house tomorrow, delivered and set up free of charge. PLUS! They are going to haul away Pirate Jack the skeletal mattress and his buddy splinty the abused box spring. SCORE! No wait! The best part is that tonight is the very last night ever of sleeping on a giant fabric covered rib cage. This is me doing the happy dance of no more mattress bones poking me in the person!

*dance* *dance*


Last year at the booniverse: I thought “I am never going to remember this plate. Ever.” so I requested a personalized plate.

Last last year at the booniverse: So, for changing (and perhaps laundering) a $20 on Saturday, I got me a venti snickerdoodle on Monday.

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