Thoughts About Stuff: Cell Phones

Now that the student’s are back and there is an increased activity of the young and the hip, I thought I’d wax a bit poetical and a bit rantical about cell phones.

I’ll start by saying that I think the invention of the cell phone is the best thing ever, for certain aspects of best thing ever. It’s the bomb for hospitals trying to get a hold of trauma docs when a disaster strikes or dialing 911 when you happen across an accident on the road or even getting in contact with your landlord when your toilet has exploded and is now running around the apartment. It’s even a pretty keen idea for when you are unexpectedly stuck in traffic and can call the person whom you were supposed to meet five minutes ago just to let them know you are running late. In essence, I agree with the aspect of cell phones that enable people to connect to other people when there is a great need to (or in the case of being late, a polite need to). I don’t even mind the friendly gab when you both have time and aren’t in the middle of something else because a phone’s a phone. In fact, Hooray for cell phones!

However. Somehow cell phones went from a cool way to get in contact with people you need to get in contact with, to an annoying way to get in contact with people you think you need get in contact with. Look here, exploding rampaging toilet? Excellent reason to need to contact someone. What shoes you think would go best with that dress you want to buy…you know, that one from yesterday? No, the other one? Yeah the cute black one? Worst excuse for reaching out and instantaneously touching someone I’ve ever encountered. People, GIVE ME A BREAK!!! We do not need to be in instant contact just to gab about shoes for a dress YOU DON’T EVEN OWN!

And that’s what torques my nads the most: The way cell phones have granted instant access to anyone with one such that any old trivial thing is suddenly elevated in the importance scale. What’s for dinner? In the olden days, you just came the hell home and look! What could that be on the stove? Why…dinner! Now you have to call whoever’s the dinnermaster and ask “Hey, what’s for dinner” because waiting ten, twenty, thirty minutes is surely going to make your tiny head EXPLODE! Twenty minutes?!? are you NUTS! Do you KNOW what can happen in twenty minutes?

Sooooooo…knowing that meatloaf, peas and mashed taters is the sustenance du jour twenty minutes before walking in on meatloaf, peas and mashed taters accomplishes what exactly? Maybe I’m one of them thar Luddites and don’t quite understand the whole need to know what’s for dinner 20 minutes earlier than I could just 10 years ago but really? Ummm…so? I mean, yeah…it’s cool that you CAN call and find out what’s for dinner faster now-a-days (it’s like living in the future!) but you don’t need to and a lot of people get that all confused like.

Take the whole “so I have a cell phone” gig. Mind you, I don’t have one so this is all second hand (or first hand witnessed) but the minute you get one of them thar cell phones, everyone expects you to be answering it the second it rings. “Yeah hello? Well, sorry. I was on the pot. I didn’t think you wanted to be listening in on that while I answered your call”. People can get downright cranky when you don’t answer their call rightnow-righthisinstant-pickupthephone-PICK.UP.THE.PHONE!!! Once you get one of those bad boy cell phones there is no rest. People can call you any time, any where and they expect you to hop to because YOU have a CELL PHONE now. There is no more anonymity, you have a cell phone.

OK, lemmie pause here and tell you that should I get one of them thar cell phones, which I have actually contemplated in the past (until I run into one of you idiot phone fuckers and then I re-evaluate my thinking because you lot SUCK giant oozing moose wang) don’t expect me to hop anything. It aint happening. I don’t answer right away? Well maybe I’m SCREENING MY CALLS and you didn’t make the cut. Hey, I do it at home all the time so what makes you think I won’t do it with a cell phone? Old habits and all and actually just leave a message because having a cell phone doesn’t mean I’m going to be instantly available for you. I don’t like people in general, that’s why I screen my calls. You can wait for an hour or two (yes you can) before I call you back. Just think of it like I never had a cell phone and you tried to get a hold of me on my house line or by e-mail.

Which sort of brings me to the second part of cell phonedom: GodDAMN you fuckers are rude. Yes you. And certainly you. I don’t know what it is about cell phones but they have made half the population (the phone wielding half) complete and utter self centered fuck-wads. And before you put on your halo and say “Well goodness sakes, she can’t be talking about little ol’ me. I’m an angel when it comes to cell phone usage” think to yourself – have I ever done the following:

Answered a call while in a theater or auditorium?
Answered a call and chatted while out with someone else?
Answered a call in the middle of talking with someone else?
Answered a call and/or chatted in a zone that explicitly states “No cell phones”?
Talked in line and continued talking when you got up to the service counter?
Talked on the phone while driving?

A “yes” to any one of these just lost you your halo because RUDE FUCKER. I actually had an argument with a friend of mine about list number two in which said friend thought nothing of it. Dude, if I invite you to my house for dinner and your best bud Bob calls about blah-de-blah yap-yap-yap you bet your booties I’m gonna be cranky. Yo, I woulda invited Bob over too if I wanted some Bob chatting action, which I don’t since he obviously isn’t here being that he’s calling your ass up. You pick up that phone, you tell me that I’m not as important as whomever is on the other end of that line. Even if it’s to tell Bob that you can’t talk because heloo-ooo. Voice Mail. That’s what’s it’s for let Bob use it. If he gets your voice mail, then Bob pretty much gets the point that you can’t talk. Why can’t we let people go to voice mail? It’s not like a ring of hell or anything, it’s voice mail. You know, like e-mail or an answering machine? Chill.

Jeebus, if you were still on a land line he’d have to wait anyway. Which leads me to ask: If you didn’t have a cell phone, would Bob call at my house to gabber at you? Probably not.

Hmmm. I guess number 1 and number…errr…4 are sorta the same thing. I just have them separately because I work in a “cell free” zone which seems to translate into “cell free for everyone else but certainly not me because I have important calls to make/receive”. Just ten minutes ago someone answered their cell phone in the copy room (which seems to have annexed itself from the library as everyone yabbers on their cell phone in there). Folks, the copy room is part of the library, you are in the library, the no cells in the library rule applies to you. Yes, it does.

Driving. Oh My Word. People! You can’t see yourself drive but I can and holy moley do you drive like ass. You wander back and forth in the lane, you speed up fast, you slow down fast, sometimes you speed up and slow down with out any provocation and the worst part is you miss a lot of what’s going on around you. Remember in driving school when they taught you 10 and 2 for the hands? Alright, so I don’t constantly drive around with the 10 and 2 going on (because it’s damned uncomfortable) and I’ll admit I’m usually a one handed driver somewhere in the 8 position or wherever it is that my hand lands up when I rest my arm on the arm rest but my other hand is ready for action. If I need that 2, BAMN I have that 2. You people driving while on cell phones have one hand occupied so when you need that 2 (or 10 since I see most of you are left hand cellies)…errr…hold on, I gotta go. Yeah, love you. Awww shit, I’m dead. I didn’t have the control I needed to avoid that accident because I was talking on my cell phone.

I haven’t yet made up my mind about hands free cell phones. I like that people aren’t distracted by having to hold the phone (and I like it better if it’s one of those voice activated sets so people aren’t distracted by pushing buttons and whatnot) so yay that. Plus, it’s like talking to a person in the car which everybody does all the time. But then again, the person on the line (is it still a line when you talk about cell phones? Person on the ether?) isn’t there and can’t tell when they need to shut up so the hands free person can concentrate. Eh. Still out on that one.

I will say that you hands free people look mighty silly walking around talking to yourself though. Hee! Oh, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t do it because it really amuses me to see you chattering away to nobody. That is until I see the stealth dangly phone thingie but the first impression is that you are talking to thin air and hee! Crazy People!

Another thing, along with hands free head sets that I haven’t made up my mind about are the walking talking one sided phone conversations that happen everywhere. Again, it’s not any different than walking with and talking to someone, except nobody’s there (and again…hee!) but watch the volume eh? People on cells are way louder than people in walking talking person to person conversations and ummm…did you really mean for all of us in a ten foot radius to know that? I can’t decide if that sort of thing pisses me off since I DON’T WANT TO HEAR THAT ABOUT YOU or if I am generally amused that this person just blurted out something rather private to half the room. I like imagine the complete horror on their face if they knew exactly how loud they were and that my friends, is worth a chuckle.

But y’all who will not stop your conversations when you get to the counter after standing in line? Need to be shot. Nuff said.

I guess my main beef with cell phones is that somehow they are tickets to act like a pompous idiot and trample everyone’s rights. Cell phones are great if you aren’t holding people up with your cell phone chatty or interfering with other people by having one. Alas, not everyone is with me on that and that’s why they make me cranky. People, be kind to your fellow man and chill with that phone.


Last year at the booniverse: Is there a job where I can sit around on my butt all day enjoying the outside?


Last last year at the booniverse: Too annoyed by you inconsiderate cell phone tards to update.

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