Put a Cheeto in My Mouth

Damn, it’s 74 degrees out there, sunny and the wind is kicking up its heels and laughing at the sky.

It’s the perfect time to tell the Lazy Couch Fucks Story!

I think I used that expression earlier and TheMan said I really ought to tell the story that explains the Cheeto expression (or even Lazy Couch Fucks) and you know what? Today is a LCF kind of day so here it goes. OK, actually, I have no idea where “Put a Cheeto in My Mouth” originated but I’m going to have to say it’s a Dirge-ism. Maybe Punkin Head was the first to coin the phrase but Dirge has perpetuated it in a way that makes me willing to give him sole authorship of the expression. So from here on out, it’s a Dirge-ism. Got it? Right!

Once upon a time, I was a stupid get and got all signed on this lease with 3 other guys: Anal Tony, the dude who moved out 2 weeks later and Dave. Not that I really wanted to be in on this lease but I opened my big mouth and felt sorry for a dojo brother who was having a hard time finding someone else to take up the lease. So I said [and I quote pretty much verbatim] “If you guys can’t find anyone else and you don’t mind going co-ed and you don’t mind cats, I’d be willing to take the lease.” I thought, no problems; they would keep looking and maybe when they had looked hard enough then I might find myself moving. It wasn’t a bad thing but I wasn’t expecting Anal Tony to come back The Very Next Day and say “Good, you’re in!” Ummmm, yeah. Looked real hard there eh?

Anyway so one of the dudes, Dave, I hardly ever saw as he had to be at work earlier than I woke up and would be home and gone again before I got home and then might come home late in the evening when I was upstairs on the computer. He was also the most laid back person I have ever met in my life. He sorta brought laid back to an entirely new level of comatose, so naturally anytime I did see him he was usually sound asleep on the living room futon. Sometimes I’d come back from wherever and there he would be lying like some dead thing on the couch as everyone went about their business. I’d go around doing my thing all the while this lump of Dave would be there blissfully wallowing in dreamland.

After a while it became a habit of Dave’s to sack out on the futon after work for his mid afternoon slumber. He sort of became like a piece of furniture or a plant that is part of the room but like so much back ground noise you really don’t pay attention to it anymore. People who came over were usually startled by the living presence on the couch and it always took me a moment to figure out what they were referring to when they asked if we shouldn’t go somewhere else and do whatever. What? Oh no, that’s just Dave.

It might have not been so notable save Dave was one sound sleeper and could sleep through the news, cats yowling, dinner being made in the next room over, the phone, whatever, nothing seemed to phase that guy. He also never moved. Ever. I’d go by and he would be in one position and three hours later he’d be in the exact same position. Occasionally I would stop and see if he was actually breathing just to be sure he hadn’t passed away and we hadn’t noticed. I’d tell Dirge “Yeah, Dave was sacked out on the couch again today” making the total number of times I had seen Dave about 5 in the previous five days and all of them he was asleep on the couch. One day, Dirge commented “Man, he sure is one lazy motherfucker. How does he even get the energy to do anything, like feed himself? Or does he just sit there and ask people if they would feed him as they go by. You know, put a Cheeto in his mouth or something.” And thus, the expression of ultimate laziness was born.

Eventually Dave did get off the couch because Dave got a Girlfriend. They were like two peas from the same pod. It’s nice to know that everyone has a like minded companion out there in the world, someone with whom you can share your dreams and dislikes or even your futon with. Girlfriend wasn’t as passive as Dave though and Girlfriend was strident about her non passivity. The house would echo with this whiny “Daaaa-aaaaaave could you get me [x item]” from the futon and Dave would go wherever and get whatever for his woman. I’m not sure how it’s possible but she moved less than Dave did and she also made that futon her home. At one point in time she came down with flu and I came home to find a nasty sniveling germ carrying Girlfriend hacking and sneezing away on the futon. Nice.

So I had grown accustom the this way of life; Dave and Girlfriend occupying the futon and the rest of us going about our daily lives to the point where they both sorta became furniture. Eventually I moved out to my new condo and TheMan offered to help me in the grand move. We hauled everything I owned out of the back room, through the dining room, across the living room and out the front door. I have lots of stuff. Lots and lots of stuff. We must have made 30 or 40 trips back and forth to get everything out and each trip took us past Dave and Girlfriend and also between the futon and the TV. They had decided, like they did every single day of the week, to watch their accustom 4 marathon hours of TV programming and were a bit miffed that I kept interrupting their sight lines. The nerve of me.

TheMan wondered who the people on the couch were, figuring they were house guests because house mates surly would lend a hand rather than sit on their duffs and grumble about the TV interruption. Nope, they were my housemates I had to explain. TheMan was so appalled at their behavior he decided that they were both Lazy Couch Fucks and thus that expression was born.

Have a great weekend y’all!

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