Cinematic dream

The scene opens from the driver’s point of view in a car, with a folded newspaper on the passenger’s seat. There’s an advertisement reading “Drivers Wanted!” in colors very similar to that of a major pizza chain. Just above the fold, the ad continues: “No experience necessary! Our hardened mercenaries will teach you.” The driver unfolds the paper revealing the rest of the ad copy: “Everything you need to know about delivering pizzas in the post-zombie world!”

Cut to outside the car. An old, but still shiny, black Trans-Am moves slowly through a desolate urban landscape with faint screams in the distance. It works its way up through a maze of stacked, burning cars to the top of a hill where a group of people have set up a rough encampment. They’ve blocked off the surrounding streets with wrecked cars, creating a channel that forces the zombie hordes toward them along a single path. In the camp, a half-dozen people are picking off the approaching zombies while their leader films the operation and laughs.

One of the gunmen shouts out, “Hey! The pizza is here!”

The driver gets out of the car. It’s David Hasselhoff, carrying an insulated pizza bag.

The gunman’s jaw drops. “Holy shit! Hey Angie! Knight Rider just delivered our pizzas!”

The driver sighs, “I get that all the time, I just look like him, ok?”

“But you’re driving KITT!”

“No it’s just a Trans-Am. Look, the pizzas are gonna be $175.”

Angie, the leader of the operation, looks out from behind the viewfinder of her camera and frowns. “What are you talking about?”

“Eight large pizzas, two cheese breads, and the $100 fee for delivering to the middle of a freaking containment zone!”

“No, I mean didn’t one of my guys at the checkpoints pay you already?”

The pizza driver looks confused for a moment. He begins to ask “What checkpoints?” but then a wave of zombies topples a stack of burnt out cars across the path that he arrived by. A short, desperate gunfight ensues, but the marksmen have let themselves be distracted by the arrival of David Hasselhoff, and the zombies moving up the channel have gotten too close. Hassehoff and Angie manage to get into the Trans-Am just as the camp is overwhelmed.

“Drive, dammit!”

“They’ve blocked the way I came in!”

“Then head through them and down the hill! We’ve got to let people know that there’s a containment breach!”

Hasselhoff floors the engine, and with a roar the Trans-Am plows through the crowd of zombies, tires squealing and squishing as he wrenches it down the hill. As the car roars away in a spray of undead flesh, the scene fades to black.

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